Wrath of Pod

Moses continues his “tell not show” retirement party speech, and his bitterness at being excluded from the Canaan party really comes out. He follows up this rant with a litany of reminders focusing on God’s strict rules for not worshipping idols, which include a surprisingly large loophole for unicorns. As he transitions to a post-party chat with incumbent prophet Joshua, it’s clear that he takes a dim view of the new guy’s abilities, prompting him to repeat the 10 Commandments word for word and insist that the Israelites literally staple the laws to their foreheads. (Deuteronomy 3:23–7:11)
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It’s the season opener for Season 5, “Study of the Dudes”! Moses gives a rambling farewell speech at his retirement party that would put your grandpa to shame, focusing on that one time that everyone got cold feet about going to Canaan and were cursed to wander in the desert for 40 years. He also spills some tea about Og, king of Bashan, who is setting a new standard in bedroom furniture. (Deuteronomy 1:1–3:22)
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Marcus and Deanna review Season 4: Numbers! What exactly was God’s relationship with that rock? How might the noble sport of curling be featured in future battle scenes? Just how many lambs have been silenced so far in all those sacrifices? And of course, we reveal the winner of the season-wide Weirdest Name competition!
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This season finale has it all! God opens with some more misogynist rules, and then quickly pivots to violence, sending the Israelite army out for an epic battle against the Midianites. Led by everyone’s favorite javelin-wielding badass, Phineas, the Israelites utterly destroy their enemies and discover the shocking identity of a traitor (or should we say “trait-hur”?) in their midst. Moses then succumbs to the power of the dark side as he puts a black bucket on his head and goes full Egypt on some innocent women and children. We wrap with not one but five weddings, which are mostly an excuse to get God drunk, show off the costume department’s love for neutral colors, and keep the inheritance within the family. (Numbers 30:2–36:13)
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Moses’s anxiety about dropping dead at any moment peaks as God orders yet another census of the Israelites (which is mostly an excuse to channel his favorite Sesame Street character). Then, in a shocking twist, God changes the laws of inheritance in favor of women. Next, without any warning, God tells Moses that he’s going to be "Aaroned" at the top of a mountain. Rather than immediately putting Moses out of his misery, he makes Moses sweat through the installment of a new prophet and a litany of sacrifice reminders. Tune in next week to find out if Moses makes it through the season finale! (Numbers 25:10–30:1)
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