Recovering Out Loud

Shame about your past doesn't keep you sober — research says it predicts relapse instead.
If you've struggled with addiction or alcoholism, you've probably done things you're not proud of. Drove drunk. Stole from family. Said things to a partner you can't take back. In active addiction I pawned priceless family jewelry for cocaine and stole from my own sister. The question isn't whether it happened. It's what you do with it now.
In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about forgiving yourself — and why that's a completely different thing from letting yourself off the hook.
In this episode:
Guilt vs. shame: "I did a bad thing" vs. "I am bad" — and why only one gives you something to fix
A University of British Columbia study of 105 newly sober people: the shame they showed in their body language predicted relapse and how heavy it was, while the shame they reported didn't
The three ways people respond to their past — self-condemnation, pseudo self-forgiveness ("it wasn't that bad"), and genuine self-forgiveness — and why only one works
Amends, living amends, and how 12-step work (steps five and nine) clears the wreckage of the past
Why self-forgiveness is a process, not a breakthrough day
Try this:
Catch a shame sentence ("I'm a terrible father") and rewrite it as a guilt sentence ("I missed his games for two years")
The four-line write-up: what I did / who it affected / the value I broke / what I'm doing now that honors that value
A living amends list for the amends you can't make directly
The sponsor test: if a newcomer told you your exact story, what would you say to them? Say that to yourself.
You don't have to forget what you did. Own it, repair what you can, and stop paying a debt you've already started paying back.
This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to someone.
Research mentioned:
Randles & Tracy (2013), Nonverbal Displays of Shame Predict Relapse and Declining Health in Recovering Alcoholics — Clinical Psychological Science: https://www.psychologicalscience.org/journals/clinical/2167702612470645/
Woodyatt & Wenzel — self-condemnation, pseudo self-forgiveness and genuine self-forgiveness (overview): https://www.psychologytools.com/articles/self-forgiveness-what-it-is-why-it-matters-and-how-it-can-be-addressed
Wenzel, Woodyatt & Hedrick (2012), No genuine self-forgiveness without accepting responsibility — European Journal of Social Psychology, DOI: 10.1002/ejsp.1873
June Tangney — guilt vs. shame research, popularized by Brené Brown
Need support in Ontario? ConnexOntario — 1-866-531-2600, or text CONNEX to 247247 (free, 24/7). Thinking about suicide? Call or text 9-8-8 (Canada).
Content note: discussion of drunk driving, violence, theft, overdose deaths and grief. Strong language.
Follow Recovering Out Loud so you don't miss an episode, and if this one helped, leave a rating — it helps someone else find it.
Real stories. 🧡

Denial is a closed mind pointed inward — and nothing in recovery changes until it cracks. I was absolutely certain I could handle it. Certain I wasn't "as bad as those people." Certain I could take ADHD medication and still call myself sober. Certain, years into recovery, that I didn't need the things that got me sober anymore. That certainty is how I relapsed after seven and a half years.
In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about the one thing I had to give up to get sober and stay sober: my own judgment. Open-mindedness isn't one skill on the list — it's the door every other recovery skill comes through.
By the end of this episode, you'll know how to catch your mind closing — and what to do in that moment.
In this episode:
Why denial is a closed mind pointed inward, and recovery as unlearning old ideas
The stages of change (Prochaska & DiClemente) — and how to tell which one you're actually in by watching your feet, not your intentions
Honesty, open-mindedness and willingness: why 12-step literature calls them indispensable
Being open to discomfort: letting cravings in without acting on them
What the research says about psychological flexibility and substance use
Why rigid, black-and-white thinking is part of the illness, not a character flaw
More than one path: 12-step, SMART Recovery, medication, therapy and harm reduction
Being open to feedback, and to a new sober identity ("sober people are boring" is a closed mind protecting the old self)
Four tools to try this week:
The ten-minute wait — name the urge, notice it, wait ten minutes. Don't fight it, don't feed it.
The swap — catch "always" and "never" in your head and change them to "sometimes."
Go once as a tourist — try a recovery format you've written off. Go more than once before you decide.
Ask "What am I not seeing?" — ask one trusted person, then just say thank you. No defending.
Research mentioned:
Ii, T., et al. (2019). Psychological flexibility-based interventions versus first-line psychosocial interventions for substance use disorders: Systematic review and meta-analyses of RCTs. Journal of Contextual Behavioral Science, 13, 109–120.
Regier, P. S., et al. (2024). Factors associated with cognitive flexibility in people with opioid-use disorder: A pilot study. Frontiers in Psychiatry, 15. doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2024.1505391
Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. — Stages of Change (Transtheoretical Model)

Difficult people aren't going anywhere. The resentment you carry about them is optional. In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about dealing with difficult people in addiction recovery, and why acceptance doesn't mean approval, putting up with mistreatment, or becoming a doormat.
We start with a question: who have you argued with most this week who wasn't even in the room? The rehearsed argument in the car or the shower. You win it every time and still feel worse. That's the part I want to look at.
In this episode: • Why a disturbance is information about me, not a verdict on them • The resentment I carried for years about people with money, and how I finally saw it was mine • The famous "page 417" acceptance passage from 12-step literature, and how it gets misread as "just put up with it" • Acceptance vs. approval: swapping "the way it's supposed to be" for "the way it is" • Radical acceptance from DBT (Marsha Linehan), and a quick note on the God word for secular listeners • The Serenity Prayer as a sorting tool, not just comfort • Boundaries as acceptance in action: accepting someone doesn't mean handing them a key to your house • What the research says about acceptance-based approaches to substance use • The uncomfortable one: sometimes the difficult person is me
Try this after listening:
Mine / Not Mine: two columns. Their tone, choices and opinion of you go under Not Mine. Your response goes under Mine.
"Is" not "should": swap "they shouldn't be like this" for "this is how they are right now."
Boundary script: "When you ___, I'm going to ___." It's about your action, not their behaviour, and it can stay internal.
Pause when agitated: create space between the feeling and the decision.
This is lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, talk to someone you trust, a recovery community, or a professional.
Research mentioned: Lee, E. B., An, W., Levin, M. E., & Twohig, M. P. (2015). An initial meta-analysis of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy for treating substance use disorders. Drug and Alcohol Dependence, 155, 1–7.
If this episode helped, follow Recovering Out Loud and leave a rating. It's the single biggest thing that helps someone else find the show.
Recovery: simple, not easy.

AA Grapevine – Talking with Dr. Paul

Recovery Answers – ACT meta-analysis summary (Lee et al., 2015)

Lee et al. (2015), Drug and Alcohol Dependence 155

AA Agnostica – critique of the acceptance passage

Perception vs. perspective in addiction recovery: why your gut read isn't the truth — and how to change where you're standing.
Someone doesn't text back and your brain has the whole movie written in half a second: they're mad, they're talking about you, it's over. In early sobriety, those stories feel like facts — and a lot of us have relapsed, or come close, over stories exactly like that.
In this solo episode, Anthony breaks down the difference between perception (the fast, automatic read — often wrong) and perspective (where you're looking from — slower, and something you can choose). Perception is the picture. Perspective is the camera angle.
From lived experience in recovery since 2015, Anthony shares the night in treatment he was certain his wife had crashed her car, the elevator conversation where his addict brain decided a stranger was high, and why his mentor almost always takes his wife's side — and why he's grateful for it.
What we cover:
Why addiction tilts your attention toward triggers — what researchers call attentional bias — and why the liquor store seems to glow in early sobriety
Feelings aren't facts: how resentments, paranoia and "everyone's judging me" start as a guess that feels true
The CBT move of catching an automatic thought and testing it
A self-talk trick using your own name that research suggests can calm emotional reactions with little extra effort
Borrowing someone else's eyes — sponsor, mentor, coach, friend
Changing the time angle on problems, cravings and urges
Why perspective isn't denial
Four tools to try this week:
Say your own name — "Why is Anthony so angry?" instead of "Why am I so angry?"
Ask two questions — What's the actual evidence? What else could this mean?
Borrow someone else's eyes — "Here's what happened. How does it look from where you're standing?"
Play the tape forward — Will this matter in five days, five months, five years? With a craving, picture the next morning, not the first drink.
How willing are you to be wrong about one more thing? Pick one tool, try it, and tell us how it went.
This is peer support and lived experience, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to a professional, your local crisis line, or someone you trust in recovery.
Research mentioned:
Field, Munafò & Franken (2009), Psychological Bulletin — attentional bias and craving meta-analysis
Field, Marhe & Franken (2014), CNS Spectrums — clinical relevance of attentional bias in substance use disorders
Magill & Ray (2009), Journal of Studies on Alcohol and Drugs — CBT meta-analysis of 53 trials
Moser, Kross et al. (2017), Scientific Reports — third-person self-talk and emotion regulation
New here? Follow Recovering Out Loud and leave a rating — it helps people who need these conversations find the show.
Recovery is simple, not easy.

"I've got this" was my problem for years: I've got it under control, I'll figure it out on my own. Before my relapse after seven and a half years sober, it was the same voice: I don't need to tell anyone. This won't blow up in my face.
In this solo episode of Recovering Out Loud, I talk about cutting your ego down to size without cutting yourself down, and about keeping the part of your ego you actually need.
We get into:
What the ego really is: the part that says "I can handle it," "rules are for other people," and "I'm different," and how it showed up for me at my third treatment center
Surrender vs. compliance: being a member, an attender, or a pretender, and why the only thing an alcoholic has to surrender is their judgment
Humility vs. humiliation: why "tear them down to build them up" backfires, and a study that found shame, not guilt, predicted relapse in early sobriety
Right-sizing: "I'm the worst person in this room" is still ego, just upside down. You're not God, you're not the sheriff of the universe, and you're not garbage either.
Why you need some ego to stay sober: the difference between "I've got this" and "I can do this," and building a proof list of hard things you've done sober (David Goggins calls it the cookie jar)
How the ego comes back in long-term sobriety. I never relapsed when things got bad. I relapsed when I got cocky.
Service as daily right-sizing, and the best high in recovery
The takeaway: you don't want a big ego or no ego. You want one that's the right size, humble enough to ask for help and strong enough to believe you're worth it.
This week: start your proof list. Write down one hard thing you've done sober and DM me what it is on Instagram @recoveringoutloudpod
Shared from lived experience and peer perspective, not clinical advice. If you're struggling, reach out to a doctor, a treatment provider, or someone in your recovery community.
Research mentioned:
Harry Tiebout, "Surrender versus Compliance in Therapy" (1953) and "The Ego Factors in Surrender in Alcoholism"
Randles & Tracy (2013), "Nonverbal displays of shame predict relapse and declining health in recovering alcoholics," Clinical Psychological Science
Kadden & Litt (2011), "The role of self-efficacy in the treatment of substance use disorders," Addictive Behaviors
Research on service, humility and relapse in adolescents in residential treatment
"Humility and 12-Step Recovery," Alcoholism Treatment Quarterly (2016)