Locked and Probably Loaded with DJ and Kelly

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, DJ is drinking purple drink, trying to fit back into his suits and discovering that his New Year's resolution to have more fun may have been a little too successful. Kelly proposes a solution: the same amount of fun, but more naps. Eventually, they settle on Fun Zero.

DJ also has an update on his SAG health insurance, including an unexpected route back to coverage through his newly approved influencer contract. He is now, very reluctantly, an influencer. Kelly would like to remind everyone that social media works.

Then it's time for the debut of DJ & Kelly at the Movies, our new review segment featuring star ratings, five-word movie descriptions, what we'd keep or change, and extremely specific superlatives.

This week's movies:

Hope: Spectacular action, a confusing alien subplot and a movie that Kelly describes as “Grand Theft Avatar.”

Practical Magic 2: Witches, nostalgia, generational trauma and a very attractive magician who desperately needs to stop doing tricks.

The Uprising: Medieval tax grievances, accents that require subtitles and camera work that makes Kelly feel like she's watching The Office at a Renaissance fair.

Along the way, we reconsider our entire rating system, DJ prepares to die on the Fahrenheit-versus-Celsius hill, and Kelly offers a remarkably specific prediction about the temperature of his casket.

Have a ridiculous movie-review wildcard question for us? Send it to probablyloadedpod@gmail.com.

Join us on Patreon: patreon.com/loadedpod

Find our next live happy hour: loadedpod.com

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This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, DJ has returned from Orlando with absolutely nothing left to give. He's recording from bed, the television has only barely been muted, and his social battery is officially dead.

That doesn't stop us from covering the important news, beginning with the most perfectly constructed headline imaginable: 42 kilos of fentanyl and a small alligator were found in a Los Angeles luxury apartment. This somehow leads to DJ's SAG health-insurance frustrations, the possibility that anything we've ever said on this podcast could someday be entered into evidence, and preliminary plans to flee to Costa Rica should either of us ever need to evade the law.
Things get more serious as we talk about public figures choosing whether to speak about Gaza, the distinction between governments and civilians, and why neither of us wants to become so overwhelmed by the state of the world that we stop caring about what happens to vulnerable people.

And then, because this is apparently the only podcast we know how to make, Kelly changes the subject to a professional fitness competitor who shit her pants during a Hyrox race and kept using the equipment. DJ would like to formally object to being told this story.

Finally, we get into Sydney Sweeney's latest campaign, the sexualization of female athletes, Shailene Woodley's baffling Emmys outfit and the fashion lesson everyone should take with them this week: if you need a cape to make your outfit make sense, change.

CHAPTERS

00:00 – DJ Is Broadcasting From Bed
01:30 – Orlando Killed DJ's Social Battery
02:25 – DJ Just Wanted to Be Left Alone
02:45 – Meet Danny From Germany/North Carolina
06:00 – Moving to Orlando on a Whim
06:40 – Fentanyl Bust. Small Alligator Found.
08:07 – Please Be Patient, We'll Get to the Alligator
08:44 – DJ vs. SAG Health Insurance
11:28 – “I Hate Everything. Let's Talk About Drugs.”
11:35 – 42 Kilos of Fentanyl Is Quite a Lot
12:30 – DJ Would Definitely Not Flee the Country
13:04 – This Podcast Will Absolutely Be Used Against Us
13:52 – France Is Actually DJ's Bed
14:09 – Fine, We'll Flee to Costa Rica
14:32 – DJ Is Becoming Less Afraid of Dying
17:57 – The Ed Sheeran Update
19:30 – Speaking Up When You Have a Platform
26:34 – We Need to Change Subjects
27:02 – What the Hell Is Hyrox?
27:45 – CrossFit Is Just Watching People Exercise
28:15 – There's Always a Loophole
28:43 – “You Said This Wasn't Psychologically Damaging!”
30:34 – Kelly Tries to Be Classy
30:45 – This Is the Dive Bar of Podcasts
31:07 – What Is Sydney Sweeney's Team Doing?
33:20 – Pure Spite Is Not Inspiration
34:00 – Aaron Rodgers & Shailene Woodley
34:37 – The Balenciaga Problem
36:46 – “Shailene, We Gotta Go to the Emmys”
37:23 – If Your Outfit Needs a Cape, Change
37:46 – Join Us on Patreon
38:57 – Patreon Begins
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This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, we're off to an appropriately chaotic start: Kelly is bleeding, DJ's face is bright red from tretinoin, and we're discussing the strategic value of loudly talking about anal sex while sneaking an entire meal into a movie theater.

Kelly has been watching videos from this year's Halloween Horror Nights and has concluded that the scariest part may actually be paying to stand in a three-hour line for a two-minute haunted house. Then her internet disappears mid-recording, so DJ gives everyone an impromptu tour of his antiquities collection.
DJ is also preparing to travel with an astronaut costume—and has already learned the hard way that once the helmet is assembled, getting it home is another problem entirely. Last time, a gate agent's solution was simple: wear the astronaut helmet onto the plane.

Then things get slightly more serious as we talk about the inability to admit when you're wrong, cancel culture, Pink's reaction to Macklemore, generational conflict and why humanity sometimes seems considerably closer to running toward the thunder than evolving past any of this.

DJ & Kelly at the Movies returns with Buddy—a bizarre comedy-horror movie that both of us loved—and Onslaught, which worked considerably better when the theater was literally spraying us in the face. We also discover DJ's perfect podcasting outfit: shirt, underwear, socks and shoes.

Finally, Kelly explains how a neighborhood walk nearly turned into a true-crime documentary when a coyote got within inches of her nephew. Good news: the child survived. Better news: DJ is now accepting babysitting jobs for only $3 million an hour.

Chapters

00:00 – We're Off to a Hot Start
01:02 – DJ's Face Is Regenerating
02:36 – DJ Starts Rumors About His Friends
03:12 – How to Sneak Full Meals Into the Movies
04:23 – Halloween Horror Nights Is the Actual Nightmare
05:27 – Kelly's Internet Dies & DJ Gives a House Tour
07:53 – Halloween Horror Nights, Take Two
08:24 – DJ's Astronaut Costume Problem
09:31 – The Disposable Astronaut Helmet
10:18 – “You’ll Have to Wear It on the Plane”
11:15 – Nothing Is Easy
12:05 – Airport Gate Agents Choose Violence
12:29 – The Cop, the Cell Phone & the Missing Hand
14:36 – DJ's Fear of Losing a Limb
15:01 – Grandpa's Ice-Factory Finger
15:22 – Holly, Jim, Holly & Jim
16:19 – DJ's Tennessee Storytime
17:09 – Do We Still Cancel People?
17:33 – Pink, Macklemore & Speaking Out
19:50 – We Just Lost Mayim Bialik as a Listener
23:42 – We're 15 Minutes From Running Away From Thunder
25:17 – DJ & Kelly at the Movies
25:28 – Buddy Was Weird as Fuck—and We Loved It
27:00 – Onslaught Was Fine
27:49 – Weird Movies That Are Weird Just to Be Weird
29:01 – DJ Needs to Do “I Don't Think So, Honey”
29:45 – I've Got Some Things I Don't Love
29:57 – DJ Is Podcasting in Underwear and Shoes
31:00 – DJ's Fargo Stunt Story
33:14 – Kelly Has Had Enough of Children
34:15 – A Coyote Almost Took Kelly's Nephew
36:26 – Don't Lose Your Dog to a Hawk
37:18 – More Onslaught & Getting Sprayed in 4D
38:44 – DJ Can't Quit P.F. Chang's
40:41 – Join Us on Patreon
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CHAPTERS

00:00 DJ's Bowler Hat & 10 Movies in August
02:15 Barney on a Rampage
02:46 Wait… What Happened to the Guy Who Played Barney?
04:34 Barney's Tantric Sex Business
06:06 The World Has Become Completely Insane
08:04 The Death of a Pastor's Wife
09:31 Mica Miller, John-Paul Miller & Coercive Control
13:07 Why “Just Leave” Isn't That Simple
17:57 THE SERIAL BUTT SNIFFER IS BACK
20:11 How Does a Serial Butt Sniffer Operate?
22:17 DJ Discovers Ghost Kitchens
23:33 Your Favorite “Restaurant” Might Not Exist
24:11 “It's Not Fraud, It's Just Wings”
26:02 The Problem With Grocery Delivery
28:25 Male Instacart Shoppers
30:33 DJ's 19-Step Crushed-Chip Solution
31:47 Why Are People Eating Plain Lay's?
33:21 The Best Sandwich Chains
34:30 Sweetgreen & Salad Discourse
36:34 What We Saw This Week
37:01 Finding Emily Review
38:18 We Literally Couldn't Understand the Movie
38:31 Movie-Theater Sneezing Etiquette
40:21 Are Men Creating Noise Pollution?
41:20 The Movie-Theater Crinkler Returns
42:16 “You Just Got ICE'd, Bitch”
43:37 Patreon Preview
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DJ has returned from New Jersey exhausted, Kelly deliberately cuts off the intro, and this week's episode of Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly is officially coming to you live from DJ's bed.

We start with boundaries—and DJ's increasingly toxic relationship with American Airlines after a seemingly endless series of delays. After dozens of flights and hours spent stranded in airports, DJ has one request: if the airline is going to make him live there, could they at least upgrade him from the lounge that looks like a bus stop?

Then we get into travel, cultural differences and the danger of assuming your own values automatically apply everywhere. DJ remembers trying to overpay a woman doing his laundry in the Philippines before being told to stop imposing his Western assumptions, while Kelly remembers being asked to stop tipping so much during a trip to India.

We also talk movies that may or may not make any sense, the apparently essential inclusion of dinosaur sex, modern parenting expectations, people who desperately need to mind their own business, and the strange internet trajectory of Lohanthony.

Then we finally dig into the listener inbox.

One listener has been with her boyfriend for four years and has always been clear that she wants marriage. Now he says marriage is “just a piece of paper”—but wants them to buy a house together. Is refusing to buy property without marriage an ultimatum? And more importantly… is an ultimatum necessarily a bad thing?

Kelly also explains why Daniel Sloss's Jigsaw relationship metaphor has stuck with her: sometimes the answer isn't forcing another person into the life you've imagined. It's recognizing that the pieces don't fit and choosing yourself.

Plus: movie theater snacks, gaydar, asymmetrical faces, shareholders, sex in Thailand and DJ's revolutionary new philosophy:

If it doesn't fit, get it away from me. I'm tired.

Chapters

00:00 – Kelly Refuses to Finish the Intro
01:14 – DJ Is Setting Boundaries From Bed
02:10 – Live, Work, Sleep? Absolutely Not
03:23 – We're Beholden to Our Shareholders
03:38 – DJ's Toxic Relationship With American Airlines
06:44 – DJ Wants Concierge Key
07:40 – Airport Sleeping Pods & Travel Trauma
08:20 – California Summer Is a Scam
09:41 – Dolly Parton & Owning Who You Are
10:56 – A Very Honest Tourist in Thailand
13:17 – Sex Work, Judgment & Minding Your Business
15:17 – DJ's $1 Laundry Lesson in the Philippines
16:40 – Kelly's Tipping Story From India
17:43 – Why Does My Face Look Different on Camera?
18:49 – Listener Emails
19:10 – Another Straight Man Has Found the Podcast
19:48 – What Happened With Black Summer?
21:31 – The End of Oak Street Was… Weird
22:12 – Yes, There Is Dinosaur Sex
23:05 – What Movies Are We Seeing Next?
24:02 – When “Surrealistic” Means “This Makes No Sense”
26:27 – What Is Back-to-School Night?
27:03 – Parenting Expectations Are Out of Control
28:25 – Leave Britney Alone & Lohanthony
29:32 – Lohanthony, Christianity & Conversion Therapy
32:25 – Back to the Listener Mail
32:36 – “My Boyfriend Doesn't Want to Marry Me”
33:34 – Are Ultimatums Actually Bad?
36:40 – Daniel Sloss's Relationship Theory
38:11 – If It Doesn't Fit, Get It Away From Me
38:38 – Patreon & Happy Hour

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