Locked and Probably Loaded with DJ and Kelly

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ Qualls and Kelly Blackheart, DJ and Kelly return to the movies with some important questions: Has Netflix become Lifetime? Should actual movie quality require another subscription tier? And if you take three naps without losing the plot, is that good storytelling or a problem?

First, they prepare for a Halloween cruise, consider what an ’80s night really requires, and discover a new breakup excuse: “My deodorant made me forget you.”
Then they explain how Special Forces derailed their Avengers plans. George Santos’s helicopter dive inspires unexpected admiration—and DJ explains why attempting the same thing would turn him into a human kite.

Their review of Unabomber gets into its performances, production value, and the difference between understanding someone’s history and excusing their actions. Naturally, this also leads to Netflix’s imaginary “real movie tier,” Sandra Bullock’s lack of professional confidence as a witch in Practical Magic, and a movie superlative Netflix probably shouldn’t put on the poster.

Next up is Primetime, which leaves Kelly impressed by the filmmaking and frustrated by the story. DJ gives it four stars, takes several naps, and delivers a much stronger endorsement of the theater’s seats. Kelly’s six-star rating somehow becomes the controversial opinion.

Plus: a proposed fee for hearing your movie complaints, another refusal to reconsider Lisa Frankenstein, and the promise of a couch investigation on Patreon.

Join DJ and Kelly for movie reviews, questionable superlatives, pop culture, personal stories, and whatever the hell happens when these two try to stay on topic.

Contains adult language and discussion of film storylines.

CHAPTERS

00:00 — Intro

00:46 — Our Halloween Cruise Requires Commitment

02:49 — “My Deodorant Made Me Forget You”

04:59 — DJ & Kelly at the Movies… Almost

06:18 — Special Forces Made Us Miss Avengers

07:23 — George Santos Nails the Dive. DJ Would Become a Kite.

09:45 — DJ & Kelly at the Movies, Take Two

10:12 — Unabomber: Our Review

11:52 — Netflix Is the New Lifetime

14:27 — You Are a Witch. Why Are You Surprised?

15:33 — Understanding Someone Isn’t Excusing Them

16:27 — Movie Superlatives Netflix Shouldn’t Use

17:47 — Primetime: Big Expectations

18:58 — Six Stars?! The Ratings Disagreement

19:30 — Your Movie Complaint Will Cost You

20:00 — Great Filmmaking. Where’s the Story?

22:01 — An Apparition & Extremely Comfortable Theater Seats

23:43 — Three Naps. Zero Confusion.

25:14 — We’re Still Not Budging on Lisa Frankenstein

25:53 — Wrap-Up & the Promise of Couch Pills

Listen early on Patreon:

https://www.patreon.com/loadedpod

Find us on social media: @LoadedPod

Email: probablyloadedpod@gmail.com

More from the show: https://www.loadedpod.com

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ Qualls and Kelly Blackheart, DJ and Kelly start with the important questions: Is LA dining actually a scam? Why are people spending $22 on Erewhon smoothies? And why does losing weight require your body to betray you in precisely the wrong order?

DJ prepares for an extended trip to Vancouver, reveals the consequences of taking entirely too much magnesium, and shows Kelly the nearly 300-year-old Chinese plate he's donating to a charity auction. Somehow, this leads naturally to J. Paul Getty, trickle-down economics, and politics.

Then the conversation turns serious as Kelly and DJ discuss the allegations surrounding the Cornell sexual-assault case, the institutional response to sexual violence on college campuses, victim blaming, and why a survivor's behavior after an assault doesn't determine whether the assault happened.

They also get into the latest political circus surrounding Jack Smith before discovering a potentially lucrative new business model: if you hate the podcast, pay them to read your insult on the air. They'll apparently also consider breaking up with someone for you. Pricing TBD.

Join DJ and Kelly for another episode of comedy, culture, politics, personal stories, and whatever the hell happens when these two try to have a normal conversation.

CHAPTERS

00:00 — Feminine Rage & DJ's Stomach Problems
02:56 — Is LA Dining a Scam?
05:23 — DJ's Search for the Perfect Pizza
05:47 — The War Against Belly Fat
07:47 — American Healthcare vs. Just Flying to Canada
09:01 — “I Go to the Doctor All the Time. Look at My Face.”
09:27 — DJ's Magnesium Mistake
11:10 — The 300-Year-Old Plate
14:35 — Screw You, Getty Center
16:03 — Rich People & Trickle-Down Economics
17:38 — Cornell & Sexual Assault on College Campuses
25:24 — DJ's Extensive Alcohol “Market Research”
27:15 — Why Talking About This Matters
31:38 — The Jack Smith Senate Clown Show
38:49 — “The Only Thing You Can Buy Is the Lies”
39:16 — Surviving Terrible Things With Stupid Jokes
40:00 — Pay Us to Read Your Hate Mail
41:12 — Want Us to Break Up With Someone?
Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

DJ has been designing bathrooms, Kelly is manifesting a Costco door, and somehow this leads directly into a discussion about a United Airlines passenger allegedly masturbating next to another passenger—and DJ immediately begins investigating the legal loopholes.

Then it’s time for another edition of DJ & Kelly at the Movies. This week: Resident Evil gets high marks, 4D snow changes the theatrical experience, DJ explains his profound hatred of tentacles, and a discussion about Austin Abrams sends DJ into a full anti-method-acting manifesto.
Next up is The Weight, featuring Ethan Hawke, Russell Crowe, an inexplicably well-equipped woman in the wilderness, and the realization that Regal Unlimited is exactly how you discover movies you otherwise never would have seen.

Also: internet problems briefly remove Kelly from her own podcast, leaving DJ alone long enough to perform Frozen from memory despite never having seen it.

00:00 DJ's Actor Warm-Ups

01:02 DJ Finally Watched Anchorman

02:04 Purple Drink vs. Yellow Drink

03:10 DJ Becomes a Home Renovator

06:03 Kelly's Dream House & the Costco Door

09:12 Is the House Next Door a Front?

10:09 DJ Completely Stops Listening

10:34 The Least Sexy Sex Show in Amsterdam

12:25 United's Airplane Masturbation Problem

12:58 DJ Finds a Business Opportunity

13:23 Sodom, Gomorrah & Airline Policy

14:16 Is It Illegal Under a Blanket?

14:44 "The Man Is Innocent"

16:10 DJ vs. American Airlines

17:53 AD BREAK

18:01 DJ & Kelly at the Movies

19:10 Resident Evil Review

20:31 "DoorDash From Hell"

21:24 What Worked — and DJ Hates Tentacles

23:24 Austin Abrams & Method Acting

24:59 DJ Declares War on Method Actors

27:37 Why Resident Evil Works

29:13 The 4D Movie Experience

30:53 Kelly's Internet Dies

31:11 DJ Performs Frozen

33:12 The Wait Review

34:34 Avengers: Endgame Encore

37:05 The Wait Ratings

38:11 The Mary Poppins of the Navajo

39:28 DJ Hates Nerdology

41:09 The Wait Superlatives

42:35 DJ Performs Frozen... Again

42:57 PATREON

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, DJ is drinking purple drink, trying to fit back into his suits and discovering that his New Year's resolution to have more fun may have been a little too successful. Kelly proposes a solution: the same amount of fun, but more naps. Eventually, they settle on Fun Zero.

DJ also has an update on his SAG health insurance, including an unexpected route back to coverage through his newly approved influencer contract. He is now, very reluctantly, an influencer. Kelly would like to remind everyone that social media works.

Then it's time for the debut of DJ & Kelly at the Movies, our new review segment featuring star ratings, five-word movie descriptions, what we'd keep or change, and extremely specific superlatives.

This week's movies:

Hope: Spectacular action, a confusing alien subplot and a movie that Kelly describes as “Grand Theft Avatar.”

Practical Magic 2: Witches, nostalgia, generational trauma and a very attractive magician who desperately needs to stop doing tricks.

The Uprising: Medieval tax grievances, accents that require subtitles and camera work that makes Kelly feel like she's watching The Office at a Renaissance fair.

Along the way, we reconsider our entire rating system, DJ prepares to die on the Fahrenheit-versus-Celsius hill, and Kelly offers a remarkably specific prediction about the temperature of his casket.

Have a ridiculous movie-review wildcard question for us? Send it to probablyloadedpod@gmail.com.

Join us on Patreon: patreon.com/loadedpod

Find our next live happy hour: loadedpod.com

Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

This week on Locked & Probably Loaded with DJ & Kelly, DJ has returned from Orlando with absolutely nothing left to give. He's recording from bed, the television has only barely been muted, and his social battery is officially dead.

That doesn't stop us from covering the important news, beginning with the most perfectly constructed headline imaginable: 42 kilos of fentanyl and a small alligator were found in a Los Angeles luxury apartment. This somehow leads to DJ's SAG health-insurance frustrations, the possibility that anything we've ever said on this podcast could someday be entered into evidence, and preliminary plans to flee to Costa Rica should either of us ever need to evade the law.
Things get more serious as we talk about public figures choosing whether to speak about Gaza, the distinction between governments and civilians, and why neither of us wants to become so overwhelmed by the state of the world that we stop caring about what happens to vulnerable people.

And then, because this is apparently the only podcast we know how to make, Kelly changes the subject to a professional fitness competitor who shit her pants during a Hyrox race and kept using the equipment. DJ would like to formally object to being told this story.

Finally, we get into Sydney Sweeney's latest campaign, the sexualization of female athletes, Shailene Woodley's baffling Emmys outfit and the fashion lesson everyone should take with them this week: if you need a cape to make your outfit make sense, change.

CHAPTERS

00:00 – DJ Is Broadcasting From Bed
01:30 – Orlando Killed DJ's Social Battery
02:25 – DJ Just Wanted to Be Left Alone
02:45 – Meet Danny From Germany/North Carolina
06:00 – Moving to Orlando on a Whim
06:40 – Fentanyl Bust. Small Alligator Found.
08:07 – Please Be Patient, We'll Get to the Alligator
08:44 – DJ vs. SAG Health Insurance
11:28 – “I Hate Everything. Let's Talk About Drugs.”
11:35 – 42 Kilos of Fentanyl Is Quite a Lot
12:30 – DJ Would Definitely Not Flee the Country
13:04 – This Podcast Will Absolutely Be Used Against Us
13:52 – France Is Actually DJ's Bed
14:09 – Fine, We'll Flee to Costa Rica
14:32 – DJ Is Becoming Less Afraid of Dying
17:57 – The Ed Sheeran Update
19:30 – Speaking Up When You Have a Platform
26:34 – We Need to Change Subjects
27:02 – What the Hell Is Hyrox?
27:45 – CrossFit Is Just Watching People Exercise
28:15 – There's Always a Loophole
28:43 – “You Said This Wasn't Psychologically Damaging!”
30:34 – Kelly Tries to Be Classy
30:45 – This Is the Dive Bar of Podcasts
31:07 – What Is Sydney Sweeney's Team Doing?
33:20 – Pure Spite Is Not Inspiration
34:00 – Aaron Rodgers & Shailene Woodley
34:37 – The Balenciaga Problem
36:46 – “Shailene, We Gotta Go to the Emmys”
37:23 – If Your Outfit Needs a Cape, Change
37:46 – Join Us on Patreon
38:57 – Patreon Begins
Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.