Dear Dr. Tracy

In this short From the Couch Q&A episode, Dr. Tracy responds to a listener who feels crushed by guilt after she and her husband chose to go no-contact with his sister (and her family) after years of escalating conflict.

The listener shares that the tension started around their engagement, with ongoing attacks, scapegoating, and a painful pattern of being blamed for “destroying the family.” Dr. Tracy offers a crucial reframe: in many in-law dynamics, the partner didn’t “ruin” the family, the family system changed when the couple formed their own unit, and some people fight hard to pull things back to the way they were.

Dr. Tracy explores the complexity of sibling bonds and family roles, including how guilt and blame can become part of a bigger system (triangles, rescuer roles, unspoken expectations). She also names the emotional whiplash many people feel in estrangement: relief and grief at the same time.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

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In this episode Dr. Tracy slows down one of the internet’s most popular relationship labels: weaponized incompetence. She names why the term resonates so deeply, especially for women carrying the mental load, and why it can feel like oxygen to finally have language for exhaustion, invisibility, and resentment.

But Dr. Tracy also brings nuance to a conversation that often gets flattened. She explains that “weaponized incompetence” isn’t always rooted in intentional harm or laziness. Often, what looks like incompetence is tied to learned helplessness, gendered socialization, fear of failure, shame, conflict avoidance, and unspoken agreements that form over time. The “weapon” isn’t always intention. It’s the outcome: one partner becomes the manager, the other becomes the assistant, and resentment grows in both directions, just with different faces.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

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Dr. Tracy's First Book I Didn't Sign Up For This Book

RESOURCES

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In this short “From the Couch” episode, Dr. Tracy speaks to one of the most common pain points couples face around intimacy: one partner needs closeness to want sex, while the other experiences sex as the way they feel close. And when that mismatch goes unspoken, both people can start to feel rejected, pressured, and quietly alone even when love is still very much there.

Dr. Tracy offers a simple framework that brings relief fast: there are two primary pathways to desire, spontaneous desire and responsive desire, and neither one is “better.” Spontaneous desire often starts in the mind and can feel effortless, but it commonly fades in long-term relationships, especially in high-demand seasons like parenting. Responsive desire, on the other hand, tends to emerge after emotional connection, affection, safety, and slowing down enough for the body to catch up.

She explains why touch can feel like an invitation in one moment and like another demand in the next, and why that isn’t rejection, it’s capacity. The key shift she leaves listeners with is this: instead of asking “what’s wrong with us,” start asking “what conditions help my partner’s desire grow?” Because desire isn’t something you either have or don’t have, it’s something couples can learn to nurture together.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Free Guide 5 Ways to Nurture Your Intimacy

RESOURCES

Get Relationship Support ⁠Inside ⁠⁠Be Connected⁠⁠⁠

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Want your questions answered on the show?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Submit them here!⁠⁠⁠   ⁠⁠ 

Discover your relationship negative cycle with my free quiz:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Take it here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this episode of Dear Dr. Tracy, Dr. Tracy D is joined by psychologist, professor, and sex researcher Dr. Nicole McNichols for a grounded, shame-reducing conversation about sex, desire, and what actually helps couples build a satisfying intimate life in the real world.Together, they unpack why so many people feel anxious, awkward, or “broken” when it comes to sex, and how much of that is shaped by cultural scripts, misinformation, and silence. Dr. Nicole shares how teaching a university-level sexuality course revealed just how hungry people are for accurate, compassionate education, not just about mechanics, but about autonomy, pleasure, and communication.A big focus of the conversation is what happens to desire in long-term relationships, especially in the parenting years. Dr. Tracy and Dr. Nicole talk about mental load, exhaustion, and the way many women lose access to autonomy and play after becoming moms, and how that directly impacts desire. They explore the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire, why “just schedule sex” often backfires without the right setup, and how to think about pleasure as a cycle rather than a switch you’re supposed to flip on command.They also address common myths about female pleasure, including the reality of female ejaculation, and they challenge the pressure-heavy “how often should we be having sex?” conversation with a more nuanced, research-informed lens. The takeaway is clear: frequency is not a scoreboard, and pressure is a desire killer. Connection, novelty, communication, and a sense of entitlement to pleasure are where things actually shift.

What You’ll Learn

Why sex isn’t “dessert,” and why treating it like an add-on creates disconnection

How shame and cultural scripts keep couples silent, even when they want more intimacy

The difference between spontaneous vs. responsive desire (and why responsive desire is common in long-term relationships)

Why planning intimacy can work, but only when you support the pleasure cycle and remove pressure

How mental load and inequality at home can quietly erode desire

What research actually says about frequency (and why those viral “average couples” stats are misleading)

The role of novelty, communication, and pleasure in sustaining long-term sexual connection

LINKS FROM SHOW

Order Dr. McNichols new book. You Could Be Having Better Sex

RESOURCES

Get Relationship Support ⁠Inside ⁠⁠Be Connected⁠⁠⁠

Order my new book! ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠

Want your questions answered on the show?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Submit them here!⁠⁠⁠   ⁠⁠ 

Discover your relationship negative cycle with my free quiz:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Take it here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

FOLLOW DR. TRACY

Subscribe to the podcast⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@drtracyd⁠⁠⁠

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In this “From the Couch” episode, Dr. Tracy responds to a listener who’s been carrying the fallout of a painful postpartum season, where in-law boundary violations piled up and their partner didn’t protect them in the ways they needed. She normalizes how often having a baby is the moment extended-family dynamics shift, because your needs change, your limits change, and suddenly the old rules don’t fit anymore.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Order my new book! ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠

RESOURCES:

Get Relationship Support ⁠⁠Inside Be Connected⁠⁠

Want your questions answered on the show?⁠⁠ ⁠⁠Submit them here!⁠⁠ ⁠⁠   

Discover your relationship negative cycle with my free quiz: ⁠⁠⁠⁠Take it here⁠⁠⁠⁠

Ready to deepen your connection? ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠

Build better connection and feel close starting today. Join the⁠⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠

FOLLOW DR. TRACY

Subscribe to the podcast⁠⁠ https://www.youtube.com/@drtracyd⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/drtracyd⁠⁠

Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/DrTracyD/⁠

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