Dear Dr. Tracy

Ever catch yourself saying, “I shouldn’t have to tell you this” and immediately feel your brain power leak out through your ears? In this bite-sized episode, Dr. Tracy names a sneaky mental load pattern: “renting mom’s brain.” It’s those constant micro-asks, where’s my hat, did you see my keys, what are we doing for dinner, that pull you out of your own task to manage someone else’s.Dr. Tracy breaks down how this becomes a self-feeding loop: the ask, your automatic solve, and then…more asks forever. She shares a recent “hat moment” with Greg that revealed the role of autopilot, plus practical, do-this-today steps to shift the dynamic without blame, shame, or turning your home into a cold war.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Grab the Weekly Intention for less than a cup of coffee a month.

Are You On Relationship Autopilot? Apple Podcasts Link

Are You On Relationship Autopilot? Spotify Podcast Link

RESOURCES

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Ever had the moment where your partner says, “I did it,” but somehow…you’re still the one cleaning up the aftermath?

In this episode, Dr. Tracy is joined by her husband Greg to talk about a surprisingly specific (and wildly common) mental load issue: not “closing the task.” Using their real-life bath time example, they break down how tasks have a beginning, middle, and end, and how skipping the “end” quietly transfers labor, time, and emotional energy to the other person.

They also explore why this pattern often isn’t malicious, it’s autopilot, mismatched expectations, and unspoken definitions of what “done” actually means. Most importantly: how to bring it up without triggering the classic couple cycle of resentment and defensiveness.


What “closing the task” means (and why it matters more than you think)


Why “I helped” can still leave one partner feeling like the street cleaner after the parade


How unspoken task definitions create conflict (hello, “I cleaned the kitchen”)


A gentler way to introduce the concept using curiosity, not criticism


Why “diffusion of responsibility” often lands on one partner by default


How single-tasking (not multitasking) supports follow-through and reduces friction

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Build better connection and feel close starting today.⁠ ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Discover your relationship negative cycle with my free quiz:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Take it here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

RESOURCES

Get Relationship Support ⁠Inside ⁠⁠Be Connected⁠⁠⁠

Order my new book! ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠

Want your questions answered on the show?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Submit them here!⁠⁠⁠   ⁠⁠ 

Need deeper support? 1:1 and Couples Coaching

Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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In this short From the Couch Q&A episode, Dr. Tracy responds to a listener who feels crushed by guilt after she and her husband chose to go no-contact with his sister (and her family) after years of escalating conflict.

The listener shares that the tension started around their engagement, with ongoing attacks, scapegoating, and a painful pattern of being blamed for “destroying the family.” Dr. Tracy offers a crucial reframe: in many in-law dynamics, the partner didn’t “ruin” the family, the family system changed when the couple formed their own unit, and some people fight hard to pull things back to the way they were.

Dr. Tracy explores the complexity of sibling bonds and family roles, including how guilt and blame can become part of a bigger system (triangles, rescuer roles, unspoken expectations). She also names the emotional whiplash many people feel in estrangement: relief and grief at the same time.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Order my new book! ⁠⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠⁠

My first book: I Didn't Sign Up for This

Get Relationship Support ⁠Inside⁠ ⁠⁠Be Connected⁠⁠⁠⁠

Want your questions answered on the show?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠Submit them here!⁠⁠⁠

RESOURCES

Discover your relationship negative cycle with my free quiz:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Take it here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

FOLLOW DR. TRACY

Subscribe to the podcast⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@drtracyd⁠⁠⁠

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In this episode Dr. Tracy slows down one of the internet’s most popular relationship labels: weaponized incompetence. She names why the term resonates so deeply, especially for women carrying the mental load, and why it can feel like oxygen to finally have language for exhaustion, invisibility, and resentment.

But Dr. Tracy also brings nuance to a conversation that often gets flattened. She explains that “weaponized incompetence” isn’t always rooted in intentional harm or laziness. Often, what looks like incompetence is tied to learned helplessness, gendered socialization, fear of failure, shame, conflict avoidance, and unspoken agreements that form over time. The “weapon” isn’t always intention. It’s the outcome: one partner becomes the manager, the other becomes the assistant, and resentment grows in both directions, just with different faces.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Build better connection and feel close starting today.⁠ ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Dr. Tracy's First Book I Didn't Sign Up For This Book

RESOURCES

Get Relationship Support ⁠Inside ⁠⁠Be Connected⁠⁠⁠

Order my new book! ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠

Want your questions answered on the show?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Submit them here!⁠⁠⁠   ⁠⁠ 

Discover your relationship negative cycle with my free quiz:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Take it here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

FOLLOW DR. TRACY

Subscribe to the podcast⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@drtracyd⁠⁠⁠

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In this short “From the Couch” episode, Dr. Tracy speaks to one of the most common pain points couples face around intimacy: one partner needs closeness to want sex, while the other experiences sex as the way they feel close. And when that mismatch goes unspoken, both people can start to feel rejected, pressured, and quietly alone even when love is still very much there.

Dr. Tracy offers a simple framework that brings relief fast: there are two primary pathways to desire, spontaneous desire and responsive desire, and neither one is “better.” Spontaneous desire often starts in the mind and can feel effortless, but it commonly fades in long-term relationships, especially in high-demand seasons like parenting. Responsive desire, on the other hand, tends to emerge after emotional connection, affection, safety, and slowing down enough for the body to catch up.

She explains why touch can feel like an invitation in one moment and like another demand in the next, and why that isn’t rejection, it’s capacity. The key shift she leaves listeners with is this: instead of asking “what’s wrong with us,” start asking “what conditions help my partner’s desire grow?” Because desire isn’t something you either have or don’t have, it’s something couples can learn to nurture together.

LINKS FROM EPISODE:

Free Guide 5 Ways to Nurture Your Intimacy

RESOURCES

Get Relationship Support ⁠Inside ⁠⁠Be Connected⁠⁠⁠

Order my new book! ⁠⁠⁠You, Your Husband, and His Mother⁠⁠⁠

Want your questions answered on the show?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Submit them here!⁠⁠⁠   ⁠⁠ 

Discover your relationship negative cycle with my free quiz:⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Take it here⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Ready to deepen your connection?⁠ ⁠⁠⁠⁠Download my 100 Questions⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

Build better connection and feel close starting today. ⁠⁠Join the⁠ ⁠⁠30 Days to Us Challenge⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

FOLLOW DR. TRACY

Subscribe to the podcast⁠ ⁠⁠https://www.youtube.com/@drtracyd⁠⁠⁠

Follow on Instagram ⁠⁠⁠https://www.instagram.com/drtracyd

⁠⁠⁠Follow on Facebook ⁠⁠⁠https://www.facebook.com/DrTracyD/⁠

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