The Grounded Union Podcast

In this episode of the Grounded Union Podcast, Evan and Kelsey share their raw journey through sex addiction recovery in their first year of marriage. Evan courageously unpacks his 20-year porn addiction history, revealing how denial structures kept him trapped even while attending 12-step meetings. After becoming complacent during their engagement, Evan's "gaslighting himself" about Instagram porn spiraled into deeper patterns—including objectifying his postpartum wife. What makes this conversation remarkable is Evan's radical transparency: he's already dismantling denial structures monthly, admitting to objectifying women everywhere, and facing the most painful truth—he's been judging Kelsey's body. Brandon and Caitlyn guide them through the "replacing" phase of the 4 R's, teaching Evan to rewire 20 years of conditioning by coming home to his body, feeling emotions he's numbed for decades, and seeing people through neutrality instead of judgment. For Kelsey, battling hypervigilance while pregnant and postpartum, Caitlyn offers hard-won hope: the forest you're clearing now leads to a meadow of true intimacy. Looking for immediate support in your marriage?Grounded Union Couples App: Tap here to claim your spotWorkshops for Couples: Join the waitlist to get notifiedFollow us on social at @brandontalksmarriage & @caitlyn_doerksenCheck out our IG account to stay updated @groundedunionYouTube Show available hereTimestamps & Key Moments:00:01:10 – Complacency in Recovery: Evan shares his history with sex and lust addiction and describes how getting married led him to stop his 12-step work and enter a season of complacency.00:05:21 – Safety and Postpartum Honor: Kelsey discusses the deep pain of feeling judged by her husband after a high-risk pregnancy and her refusal to lower her standards for safety in the marriage.00:09:56 – The Reticular Activating System (RAS): Brandon explains the "tech" of the brain, describing how the RAS filters data and how years of addiction trained it to focus on body parts over people.00:12:44 – Radical Responsibility Changes Everything: Caitlyn affirms Evan and Kelsey as a couple actively applying the work, highlighting how Evan’s language reflects ownership rather than minimization or helplessness.00:15:08 – Unexpected Debris and the "Affection Glitch": A deep dive into why the brain sometimes defaults to old, toxic imagery as a defense mechanism when it finally begins to experience genuine emotional intimacy.00:17:03 – Purging the "Virus" of Old Beliefs: Using the analogy of a physical virus to explain why "ugly" thoughts must be voiced out loud to be fully cleared from the system.00:22:41 – Family Dynamics and the Root of Addiction: An exploration of how childhood enmeshment and rough home environments shape the need for escapism and the long-term reliance on pornography.00:27:37 – The Mechanics of the Fourth R (Replacing): A deep dive into replacing distorted associations of connection with tangible, present-moment experiences like nature, sound, and genuine bond.00:30:05 – Intimacy as Radical Visibility: Redefining intimacy as "into-me-you-see" and recognizing intrusive thoughts as "subconscious darts" used to defend against the fear of being fully known.00:42:42 – Returning to the Present Moment: Breaking the habit of mental escape by grounding oneself in the immediate reality of family, physical surroundings, and core values.00:46:44 – Navigating the "Dark Forest" of Recovery: Using the analogy of clearing a forest to describe the arduous but necessary work of removing secrets to reach a place of marital abundance.00:51:14 – Maintaining High Standards for Intimacy: A final call to never settle for a mediocre relationship, instead choosing to remove the old structures to make room for a deeper union.

In today’s episode of The Grounded Union Podcast, discover how true healing after long-term porn addiction requires going far deeper than behavior change. Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen walk alongside Dave and Katie as they unpack the decades of pain beneath Dave’s 16-year addiction, pain rooted in childhood sexual trauma, religious shame, and a lifelong belief that he was “defective.” The conversation shifts powerfully as Katie reveals that the deepest trauma is no longer the pornography itself, but the cycle of partial honesty, shame spirals, and having to heal alone. Brandon and Caitlyn challenge Dave’s patterns of self-loathing and avoidance, drawing a clear line between staggered disclosure and real accountability. With practical yet confronting guidance, Caitlyn outlines a path of radical honesty through comprehensive personal inventory and disclosure. This episode offers a sobering but hopeful truth: freedom, intimacy, and peace are possible when shame is replaced with total transparency.Looking for immediate support in your marriage?Grounded Union Couples App: Tap here to claim your spotWorkshops for Couples: Join the waitlist to get notifiedFollow us on social at @brandontalksmarriage & @caitlyn_doerksenCheck out our IG account to stay updated @groundedunionYouTube Show available hereTimestamps & Key Moments:00:00:28 – Breaking Point After 16 Years: Katie and Dave describe the exhaustion, worsening conflict, and fear that nothing will ever change after 16 years of trying.03:35 – Defining the Addiction & Failed Solutions: They outline years of counseling, 12-step programs, and trauma groups that never brought lasting freedom.07:17 – Validation for the Betrayed Spouse: Katie shares how hearing her experience finally validated gave her hope that a new story is possible.09:25 – Porn Is the Symptom, Not the Root: Caitlyn introduces the “weed” analogy, reframing addiction as a surface issue pointing to deeper wounds.12:36 – Childhood Sexual Trauma Revealed: Dave discloses early sexual abuse that shaped his shame identity and lifelong struggle.15:00 – Why Porn Actually Hurts the User: Brandon explains how porn feeds anxiety, loneliness, and shame rather than pleasure or relief.18:29 – The Core Question: Why Tolerate a Life You Don’t Love?: Dave is challenged to stop running from pain and face what he’s been avoiding for decades.21:11 – Sexuality Is Distorted, Not Evil: Brandon reframes sexuality as relational and good, offering hope beyond moral shame.25:39 – The Lie of “Character Defect”: Caitlyn dismantles the belief that something is fundamentally wrong with Dave, and shows how that belief fuels addiction.35:07 – The Weight of Betrayal on the Spouse: Katie names the exhaustion of carrying shame, lies, and a lack of accountability alone.38:21 – Lifelong Dishonesty Exposed: Dave realizes dishonesty, not porn, is the deepest pattern keeping him trapped.40:17 – Terror as the First Sign of Readiness: Dave admits he’s terrified, and the hosts affirm this fear as the gateway to real change.46:20 – Why “Therapeutic Disclosure” Often Fails: Caitlyn explains why partial disclosure protects addiction instead of healing it.01:07:04 – The Gift of Being Fully Known: Radical honesty with one’s spouse is reframed as the doorway to intimacy and freedom.01:11:28 – Lock Arms and Heal Together: The episode closes with a clear picture of hope: spouses facing the truth side by side until freedom is complete.

In this episode of The Grounded Union Podcast, Brandon and Caitlyn coach Drew and Chelsea through a three-year journey of porn addiction recovery that's been overshadowed by persistent lying. In this live call-in session, Chelsea vulnerably shares her heartbreak: despite Drew's initial confession and stopping pornography, she has "literally zero trust" as small lies continue to surface. Brandon and Caitlyn trace Drew's compulsive dishonesty back to childhood shame and his first exposure to pornography at age eight, revealing why traditional one-time disclosures fail. They challenge Drew to embrace daily radical transparency, explaining that "silly lies" signal deeper hidden truths. This raw coaching session introduces their four R's rewiring process and offers a powerful promise: commit to removing the veil completely, and your marriage will be transformed within a year.Looking for immediate support in your marriage?Grounded Union Couples App: Tap here to claim your spotWorkshops for Couples: Join the waitlist to get notifiedFollow us on social at @brandontalksmarriage & @caitlyn_doerksenCheck out our IG account to stay updated @groundedunionYouTube Show available hereTimestamps & Key Moments:00:00:28 – Welcome to Season 3: The hosts introduce the new season's format, featuring nine brave couples for relational and practical live call-in coaching, beginning with Drew & Chelsea's story of betrayal, infertility, and healing. 00:01:32 – The Breaking Point: Chelsea reveals discovering Drew's porn addiction in 2022, three years into marriage, after conceiving their son during the one week he wasn't active in his addiction.  00:03:41 – The Deeper Root: Drew opens up about how his confession was encouraged by a men’s group—but how lying remains his reflexive shield against fear and shame.00:06:32 – The Recent Lie Uncovered: Chelsea details how she uncovered a recent lie about internet use, describing the emotional exhaustion of catching dishonesty even in seemingly small things. 00:09:20 – The Panic Response: Drew admits he panicked when he realized he'd broken their agreement and instinctively deleted the history to hide it.00:17:25 – Self-Perception as Failure: Drew describes himself as "failing to do the things I need to do" and "not being the man my wife deserves." 00:23:14 – The First Exposure to Porn: Drew recounts seeing pornography at age 8, with a deep dive into how that early moment shaped decades of addiction, secrecy, and shame. 00:28:44 – Rewiring the Narrative Through Embodiment: The healing process is reframed: instead of blaming culture, control, or sin nature, Drew is invited to reclaim his power and rewire both behavior and belief through conscious honesty.00:30:29 – “Silly Lies”: A powerful reminder that small lies don’t exist in isolation—they usually point to larger truths left buried, requiring courage to bring into the light.00:37:45 – Embodiment and the Nervous System Zones: A breakdown of the “fire,” “ice,” and “grounded” nervous system states, and how embodiment can help regulate reactions to daily relational triggers. 00:45:25 – The Power of Ongoing Transparency: Encouragement to go beyond the initial disclosure and begin seeing yourself clearly, allowing your spouse to do the same—bit by bit, together. 00:52:23 – A Marriage with Nothing Hidden: The vision: a marriage where everything is known and nothing needs to be hidden—a relationship built on radical safety, not secrecy. 00:58:07 – Trusting Actions, Not Words: Trust is earned by the husband's daily, consistent actions—waking up and getting in his body, and initiating hard conversations every night—not by simple apologies or words.

In this episode of The Grounded Union Podcast, Brandon and Caitlyn Doerksen dive deep into why pausing everything else might be the most important decision you ever make for your marriage. They get raw about the hidden costs of busyness, distractions, and avoidance, sharing personal stories from their own journey, including Brandon stepping down from ministry and Caitlyn reclaiming hours in her day, to illustrate how chronic exhaustion and misaligned priorities quietly erode intimacy. This podcast explains why facing pain head-on, regulating your nervous system, and creating space for transformative conversations are essential for rebuilding trust and connection. Packed with practical strategies, from reclaiming time and energy to cutting distractions, this episode is both an urgent wake-up call and a hopeful guide for couples ready to show up fully, prioritize their relationship, and restore lasting intimacy.Our 2025 Grounded Union workshop & intensive:🏝️Maui, Hawaii – 3-Day Intensive, with lodging and meals included! (October 10th-13th)Maui Intensive: Tap here to applyLooking for immediate support in your marriage?Community for Men: Tap here to start your 14-day FREE trialWorkshops for Couples: Join the waitlist to get notifiedGrounded Intimacy Program: Tap here for more info on our online couples programFollow us on social at @brandontalksmarriage & @caitlyn_doerksenCheck out our IG account to stay updated @groundedunionpodcastYouTube Show available hereTimestamps & Key Moments:00:00:28 – Why Stop Everything to Save Your Marriage: Brandon opens the conversation, explaining what’s at stake if a marriage is neglected and why giving it full attention is worth every ounce of effort.00:02:36 – Making Healing the #1 Priority: The couple shares how clearing their schedules and mental space to focus solely on repairing their marriage became the turning point in their relationship.00:04:49 – Why Your Kids and Friends Matter: They discuss how the health of a marriage directly influences children, friendships, and social circles, highlighting the broader impact of prioritizing your union.00:07:47 – The Roommate Marriage Problem: Brandon and Caitlyn explore how settling into disconnection and living like roommates can quietly erode intimacy, sometimes worse than divorce.00:09:34 – Three Essentials Every Couple Needs to Heal: Caitlyn outlines the foundational elements of time, energy, and shared effort that every couple must commit to in order to restore their relationship.00:15:02 – Removing Distractions to Reconnect: They provide practical advice on turning off phones, TV, and other distractions to create space for meaningful connection.00:21:32 – Focus Matters: Brandon explains why saying no to volunteering, side projects, and other commitments is essential to saving your marriage.00:27:24 – Leaving Ministry to Save Marriage: Brandon recounts stepping away from ministry and public accolades to focus fully on his marriage, illustrating the cost of true prioritization.00:29:35 – Identity Recreation: Caitlyn discusses how letting go of titles, roles, and societal expectations allowed both partners to reconnect authentically.00:34:02 – Priorities That Never Crumble: They explain the principle of protecting marriage and family above all else as a way to sustain long-term influence and personal fulfillment.00:37:00 – Letting It All Crumble: Brandon shares how allowing work, projects, and public perception to fall apart in 2020 became a necessary step for rebuilding their life together.00:39:07 – Life on the Other Side: They describe the renewed joy, connection, and purpose that emerged after making the hard choices to prioritize marriage above everything else.

In this episode of The Grounded Union Podcast, we touched on the fundamental misunderstanding most couples have about conflict - it's not about communication styles, it's about unhealed pain. Brandon and Caitlyn dismantle the myth that arguing stems from everyday disagreements like where to go to dinner, revealing instead how betrayal trauma, broken trust, and prolonged disconnection create explosive emotional reactions. They share their personal transformation from a cycle where Brandon's porn addiction triggered defensive responses and Caitlyn's pain was met with minimization. The breakthrough came when Brandon learned to lean into her pain rather than run from it, using specific body language techniques and their "Comfort Flow" method that prioritizes emotional validation over fact-correction, ultimately transforming adversaries into teammates. This episode is full of hard-won wisdom, emotional insight, and actionable tools for any couple ready to stop avoiding conflict and start using it as a gateway to deeper intimacy. Our 2025 Grounded Union workshop & intensive:🏝️Maui, Hawaii – 3-Day Intensive, with lodging and meals included! (October 10th-13th)Maui Intensive: Tap here to applyLooking for immediate support in your marriage?Community for Men: Tap here to start your 14-day FREE trialWorkshops for Couples: Join the waitlist to get notifiedGrounded Intimacy Program: Tap here for more info on our online couples programFollow us on social at @brandontalksmarriage & @caitlyn_doerksenCheck out our IG account to stay updated @groundedunionpodcastYouTube Show available hereTimestamps & Key Moments:00:00:28 – Two Types of Conflict: The conversation opens with the distinction between everyday disagreements and conflict rooted in deeper wounds like betrayal or broken trust.00:04:57 – Playing the Victim Card: How viewing yourself as society's casualty rather than your spouse's betrayer keeps you trapped in defensive cycles that destroy intimacy.00:07:13 – The Gift of an Angry Wife: A new perspective emerges—an angry or frustrated wife is still engaged and willing to fight for the relationship, which can be seen as a gift of insight into her heart.00:12:38 – A Counselor’s Pivotal Question: A powerful moment hits home when a counselor bluntly asks if Brandon’s actions made him an “asshole,” prompting honest self-reflection.00:16:50 – Fight or Flight State: Caitlyn explains how betrayal discovery triggers panic and trauma, comparing it to being physically attacked.00:20:54 – The Childish Argument Metaphor: Brandon uses the example of children fighting to illustrate that conflict can be a momentary outburst that, when handled constructively, can lead to a quick resolution.00:22:41 – Grounded vs. Ungrounded Responses: Two core responses to a partner's pain are introduced: a grounded, powerful approach and an ungrounded, passive one.00:26:59 – The “Mr. Pain” Bodyguard: Brandon introduces a mental picture to help men handle a partner's intense emotions by visualizing a "bodyguard" that helps them see the emotion as their partner's pain, not a personal threat.00:28:31 – The Comfort Flow Tool: Introduction to their structured conversation template for processing pain and moving toward repair.00:31:02 – The Problem with Robotic Apologies: Empty “I’m sorrys” are traced back to childhood conditioning—why they fail and what’s needed instead to repair real pain.00:36:36 – Setting Up the Comfort Flow Example: They roleplay how to walk through the Comfort Flow when a spouse is newly devastated by a betrayal—showing what to say and what to avoid.00:42:02 – The Source of Relationship Conflict: Brandon summarizes that relationship conflicts stem from underlying pain and separation, not surface issues like dinner choices, emphasizing the need to address root causes.