Raising Good Humans

What does it actually mean to be a good parent and why does knowing the research make it harder, not easier?

This week I'm sharing an interview I did with Adam Grant on his show, ReThinking,  where we got into the framework I come back to constantly: all feelings are welcome, but all behaviors are not. We talked about gentle parenting, why asking your child to do something nine times is no better than asking twice, orchid vs. dandelion kids, and what I think the job of a parent actually is.

What you'll hear:


Why "all feelings are welcome, but all behaviors are not" is the organizing principle behind almost every parenting question


What orchid/dandelion research reveals about why some kids are more harmed by permissiveness than others


Why asking more than twice doesn't increase compliance and what to do instead


The one-sentence definition of the parenting job I keep coming back to

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What if raising secure kids has less to do with what you do wrong as a parent — and more to do with teaching them to build the right relationships from the start?

My guest this week is Dr. Amir Levine, molecular neuroscientist, child psychiatrist, and associate professor of clinical psychiatry at Columbia University. His new book, Secure: The Revolutionary Guide to Creating a Secure Life, offers a unified theory of relationships with surprisingly concrete tools for building security at any age.

This episode shares specific, teachable tools for helping kids of all ages — including neurodivergent kids — move through the world with greater security.

What you'll learn:


Why less than 10% of adult attachment style can be explained by parenting and why that's good news if you've been worrying you've already "done something wrong"


What CARP means (Consistent, Available, Responsive, Reliable, Predictable) and why teaching kids to look for CARP friends can shape their relationship patterns for life


Why our brains chase drama and ignore the secure people already around us and how to redirect toward a "secure village"


How small, everyday micro-interactions create structural changes in the brain and why each one is an opportunity

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What if the most powerful thing you could do for your child's brain development has nothing to do with them at all?

This episode is for any parent who has worried about screen time, big emotions, or whether they're doing enough — and hasn't realized that the most direct path to a flourishing child runs straight through their own mind. I'm joined by Dr. Richard Davidson, neuroscientist, founder of the Center for Healthy Minds at the University of Wisconsin-Madison, and author of Born to Flourish.

What you'll learn:


Why neuroplasticity is happening to your brain right now whether you want it to or not 


The four pillars of flourishing (awareness, connection, insight, and purpose) and the research-backed reason five minutes a day is enough to change your brain.


Why flourishing is contagious — and what that means for the hardest kids, the most overwhelmed parents, and everyone in between.

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What if the reason the hardest conversations with your middle schooler keep going badly isn't the topic — it's that we keep starting them like a lecture?

This episode is for any parent who has braced themselves to "have the talk" about porn, dating, nudes, or consent and watched their kid mentally exit the room before the second sentence. I'm joined by Michele Icard, parenting expert and author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen: The Essential Conversations You Need to Have with Your Kids Before They Start High School. 

What you'll learn:


Why most thorny conversations go wrong before they start, and the BRIEF model that fixes it.


Why shame is the wrong tool. 


What you might be missing about middle school dating, consent, and touch hunger. 

The throughline of the whole conversation is practice. These aren't talks you nail on the first try, and the goal isn't a single perfect conversation — it's becoming fluent enough at curiosity that you stop needing an agenda at all. 

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What if what we call high standards in our kids, and quietly admire in ourselves, is actually something much more painful underneath?

This episode takes on a question that hits closer to home than most parents want to admit: have I been confusing high standards with something more punishing, in my kids and in myself? I'm joined by Professor Thomas Curran, social psychologist at the London School of Economics and author of The Perfection Trap: Embracing the Power of Good Enough, whose research has reframed how a generation of psychologists, parents, and young people understand what perfectionism actually is. We get into why rates are climbing, why perfectionism is so often misread (as drive, as work ethic, as the humble brag we've all been trained to admire), and what it actually looks like to help your kid aim high without paying the hidden price.

What you'll learn:


Why perfectionism is shame, not standards. The deficit thinking underneath it ("how much less than I appear to others") and why what reads as procrastination, withdrawal, or "not trying" in your kid may actually be perfectionism, protecting them from a shame they can't put words to. (You can't fail at something you didn't try.)


The myth that perfectionism produces success. The research, the burnout, the self-handicapping that hold perfectionists back, plus why the culture keeps rewarding it anyway: the job interview humble brag, the curated social feed, schools that prize over-achievement, and a narrowing economy that has parents pushing harder than they want to.


What helps at home. Calibrating expectations so your child isn't permanently on tiptoes, decoupling love from accomplishment, modeling making mistakes (and forgiving yourself), the difference between perfectionism and conscientiousness, and how to foster a love of learning that outlasts any one grade.

Understanding what perfectionism is helps us stop misreading our kids, soften the pressure we're passing on without meaning to, and protect the part of childhood where trying things and getting them wrong is still part of the joy.

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