Codependency Alchemy: The Podcast

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “If they would just do this differently, everything would be fine”?
This episode is about why that pattern keeps us stuck and the three questions that can shift the entire dynamic- and how it's completely changed the way I move through conflict in my relationship.
In this episode we explore:
* Why we hyperfixate on our partner during conflict
* The hidden attachment behind “I wish they would…”
* How codependent dynamics show up during arguments
* The 3 questions that interrupt blame cycles
* How vulnerability creates safety in relationships
* Why waiting for your partner to go first keeps you stuck
Your invitation…
Take a moment to practice this in the comments. Think of a recent conflict that’s come up for you in your relationship and ask yourself the following questions:
* What do I wish they would do?
* How would I feel if they did it?
* Am I giving that to them — or to myself?
I invite you to share in the comments, or if you’re in the Codependency Alchemy membership, you can share your reflections in our chat.
If this conversation resonates, you’re invited into the Codependency Alchemy community on Substack where we practice these reflections together through prompts, discussions, and live calls.
Click here to join as a free subscriber or the membership for deeper support.


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Why do we create conflict when life is actually going well?
In this episode of Codependency Alchemy, I unpack the “upper limit problem” — the unconscious pattern of sabotaging joy, abundance, and peace when they start to feel unfamiliar.
I share a real story of catching myself mid-spiral after an expansive workshop and the simple question that stopped me from creating unnecessary conflict.
In this episode, we explore:
- Why arguments aren’t really about the dishes
- How worry turns into criticism
- The 4 core fears that drive self-sabotage
- Why peace can feel unsafe to a dysregulated nervous system
- How to self-soothe instead of outsourcing reassurance
Your invitation…
The next time you feel the urge to criticize, argue, or spiral, ask yourself:
What happened right before this?
If this episode resonates, you’re invited into the Codependency Alchemy membership, where we practice this work in real time through daily prompts, reflections, and support as you grow your capacity for joy, safety, and self-trust.
Click here to upgrade and join the membership.


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

You’re clear on what you want, so why aren’t you getting it?
There’s a painful in-between many of us find ourselves in: knowing what we want, and still not receiving it.
In this episode of Codependency Alchemy, I revisit a simple but powerful analogy (we’re going to the ice cream shop) to explore why clarity alone isn’t always enough, and how settling for what doesn’t truly align can keep us stuck in relationships, jobs, or situations that drain us.
This is a conversation about discernment, self-trust, and learning how to stop accepting “vanilla” when your body is asking for chocolate.
What you’ll learn in this episode…
* Why knowing what you want doesn’t always lead to getting it
* How settling sends mixed signals to yourself (and the Universe)
* Why impatience and unworthiness keep us stuck
* How to stop accepting what you don’t actually want
This episode is for you if…
* You’re clear on what you want but keep getting something else
* You struggle with settling out of fear or impatience
* You’re practicing discernment in relationships or work
* You’re healing codependency or the mother wound
Your invitation…
I invite you to think about what your “chocolate ice cream” is. You might consider this as the type of relationship, job, or home you wish to have.
What is your chocolate ice cream?
Remember, try to get as specific as you can. Ask yourself:
How do I desire to feel? What do I value? In a relationship? In a job? In a home?
If this episode resonates, you’re invited to continue these conversations inside the Codependency Alchemy membership— a space where we practice witnessing the parts of us we neglect, or reject, building safety in our bodies through nervous system and somatic work, and generational healing together.
Click here to join or learn more
Subscribe over on Substack


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

There’s a moment many of us know well: your partner says no, and you really wanted them to say yes.
In this episode of Codependency Alchemy, I walk through a real-life moment from my relationship with Justin where his “no” triggered old patterns of control, guilt, and self-abandonment. I share more about what I wish I had done differently.
This isn’t about forcing agreement or suppressing your needs. It’s about learning how to respect your partner’s autonomy without making their “no” mean something about you…
Oh, and without abandoning yourself in the process.
What you’ll learn in this episode:
* Why your partner’s no can feel so personal
* How covert control and guilt show up in relationships
* The difference between boundaries and power struggles
* Why taking responsibility for your partner creates resentment
* How to stay on the same side of the problem instead of “me vs. you”
This episode is for you if…
* You get triggered when your partner says no
* You tend to take responsibility for other people’s choices
* You struggle with resentment or over-functioning
* You’re healing codependency or the mother wound
Your invitation…
As you listen and reflect on similar moments in your own relationship, you might contemplate:
What am I making my partner’s no mean about me? What am I making their choice mean about our relationship?
I invite you to share your reflections in the comments.
Join the Community
If this episode resonates, you’re invited to continue these conversations inside the Codependency Alchemy membership— a space where we practice witnessing the parts of us we neglect, or reject, building safety in our bodies through nervous system and somatic work, and generational healing together.
Click here to join or learn more
Subscribe over on Substack


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe

Should you get back together with your ex, or is this just familiarity pulling you back in? Before you say yes, there are a few questions worth slowing down and asking.
This episode is for anyone who’s considering getting back together with an ex and wants to do it differently this time.
As someone who did get back together with her ex and rebuilt a relationship rooted in repair, accountability, and understanding that a safe nervous system is a non-negotiable, I share the three core questions that helped me discern whether reconnecting was actually aligned, or just old patterns resurfacing.
This isn’t about convincing yourself to try again. It’s about slowing down, listening to your body, and making space for clarity instead of urgency.
What you’ll learn…
* The first question to ask before considering getting back together with an ex
* How to tell if your ex has actually changed or is just saying the right things
* Why old issues will come back (and how to plan for that honestly)
* What it means to rebuild trust through repair instead of avoidance
* How to stop over-functioning and let the other person meet you
This episode is for you if…
* You’re thinking about getting back together with an ex
* You’re afraid of repeating the same patterns
* You want clarity without rushing a decision
* You tend to over-function or take responsibility for both people
* You want a relationship rooted in repair, not chemistry alone
My invitation to you…
Take a moment to reflect on what this relationship is here to teach and show you. Write in the comments:
“This relationship is here to teach me…” and notice what comes through.
If this episode resonates, you’re invited to continue this work inside the Codependency Alchemy membership, where we practice self-trust, repair, and building healthy relationships together.
Click here to learn more.


This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit alyssaaazander.substack.com/subscribe