You're Not Too Much

I miss my dad. You know that.
What you might not know is that he was a forensic psychiatrist for 55 years, I ran his practice for 10 of them, and on a case like Lindsay Clancy's, he's exactly who would've been called to testify. So for the last couple of weeks I've had his voice in my ear. Screaming.
Not about postpartum illness. That conversation is correct — women get sick after babies, they're scared to say so, they deserve better help. All of it, yes.
He'd be screaming because that's not what happened here.
Lindsay Clancy was diagnosed bipolar. That came out at trial. She was complaining of racing thoughts, worsening intrusive thoughts and no sleep, and somebody's answer was to increase her antidepressant — a thing that is documented to make bipolar patients worse. Her illness didn't make her psychotic. Her medication did. And if we don't separate "postpartum illness" from "shit-ass medical care," every woman who's already scared to disclose gets more scared.
I'm not a clinician. I say that about six times in this episode. This is his rant, from beyond the grave, delivered by the person who sat in the depositions.

Heads up: this one talks about postpartum mental illness, bipolar disorder, the Lindsay Clancy case (including the deaths of her children) and, briefly, suicide. Look after yourself.
If you're postpartum and struggling: Postpartum Support International, 1-800-944-4773.
If you're in crisis: call or text 988.

Idris Elba jumped off my nightstand at three o'clock in the morning.
Ten minutes before my alarm. Which was also set for three o'clock in the morning, because I had that much work to get to. There is nothing in that room that can fall, and I lay there in the dark going "what?"
So Kyle and I went looking for the piece, under nightstands that have about an eight-inch gap at the bottom.
⏱️ Chapters
00:00:00 I named my CPAP Idris Elba
00:00:11 3am: the thunk
00:00:45 The clip is broken
00:01:28 One plastic clip is my entire edge
00:01:58 Under the nightstand
00:02:27 I am leaving the dust bunnies
00:02:46 Kyle was not leaving the dust bunnies
00:03:15 Vacuuming at 11pm

Every time I talk publicly about being a woman at work, the first response is the same. It’s never "that sounds hard." It’s "well, I had a terrible boss once, and she was a woman."

Yeah. Okay. Women are allowed to suck, too. Plenty of men suck and we just accept that as fine.

So this episode is about the two women you’re allowed to be in a workplace that was not built for you. The one who shrinks to fit — who gets told she’s too big, too loud, too many ideas, and folds all of it up inside herself, hands her ideas to somebody else so they’ll get heard, stops saying the thing she knows is going to go wrong. And the one who strikes to kill — who was taught there’s only ever room for one of her, so she leaves no space for the next one coming up behind.

They’re the same woman. Same message, two ways out. You are not allowed here, you should feel lucky we let you in, and if you’re uncomfortable with how we do things then you should shut up or leave.

I’ve talked to thousands of women over the last five years who live inside that, and I lived inside it myself. I’m the person who had to hand her idea to the nearest male coworker because it would be taken seriously from him and ignored from me.

All of that is evidence of a problem with the workplace. It is not evidence of a problem with you.

You are not intimidating. They’re intimidated. Nobody is going to make them do the work to find out why you’re such a threat, so you’re going to stay a threat — but you do not have to make yourself smaller to fix something you didn’t break. You’ve been the same person the whole time.

You are not too much. They are not enough.

Plus: breaking news on the semicolon rant, in which four actual English professors turn up to tell me I was right. And an Ask L2 from Kieran, who wants an exemption from the don’t-fight-with-pigs rule for a pig who owes him $4,000.

CHAPTERS
00:00:00 "You are not allowed here"
00:00:23 Welcome to You’re Not Too Much
00:00:37 What always happens when I talk about women at work
00:01:08 Women are allowed to suck, too
00:01:46 I wish you the success of the mediocre white male
00:02:25 Persona one: the woman who shrinks to fit
00:04:13 Persona two: the woman who strikes to kill
00:05:09 Both of those are the same thing
00:06:37 Thousands of women, same paradigm
00:07:57 Give it to your nearest male coworker
00:08:19 A problem with the workplace, not a problem with you
00:08:28 You are not intimidating. They’re intimidated.
00:09:03 What you actually owe a job you need
00:09:44 You are not too much
00:10:04 They are not enough
00:10:57 Do enough to survive, then find a place that doesn’t suck
00:11:05 Ten thousand levers you don’t need to pull
00:11:20 You’ve been the same person the whole time
00:11:55 Your five to nine is better than your nine to five
00:12:03 A toxic waste dump and no hazmat suit
00:12:31 What professionalism actually means
00:12:57 Why the show is now called You’re Not Too Much
00:13:25 Breaking news: the semicolon rant, vindicated
00:15:26 Ask L2 — "This pig owes me $4,000"
00:16:37 You can have whatever tone you want
00:17:15 The strongly worded email

Every episode: https://yourenottoomuchpodcast.com
Leave me a voicemail: https://yourenottoomuchpodcast.com/voicemail
Come find the rest of us: https://alwaysquirky.com

I heard the Fed Ex van.
Which means my husband bought something else stupid.
P.S. If you are the household's designated Reasonable Adult — the one doing the mental maths on everybody else's impulse purchases — this is a very short episode to let you know you are very seen.

Right. Semicolons.
There is one rule of semicolons. I wonder if you can guess what that is. I was a journalism major and the first time my professor taught us the situations where a semicolon is appropriate, I put my hand up and told him the only rule is don't. If you disagree you may want to skip this episode. But not before you bite me.
But that's just one of the things we have for this week, friends.
We walked out of the house to go and get french fries and there was a car two houses down that didn't look right. When we tracked the skid marks back to their origin, we quickly found out why.
I'll tell you all about Carlos.
Spoiler alert, this story is not going where you think it is.
Then Ask L2, from Ray: everyone tells him the money's in the room, but the room is two hundred people, a buffet and compulsory eye contact. Is there a version of networking that doesn't involve the room? Grab a pen. I have the lesson plan for you.
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