The Ugly Truth of Divorce

The hardest part of co-parenting isn't always what your ex says. Sometimes it's that they say nothing at all. They read it. They sit on it. They answer a completely different question, or they ask you one back while dodging yours entirely.
And you freeze. You're not allowed to make a unilateral decision, so you wait. Meanwhile the school needs the form back Thursday, the coach needs an answer by tomorrow, and your kid keeps asking whether they can sign up for floor hockey. Our kids end up paying for another adult's decision to ignore us.

This week I'm teaching you one of my favorite tools for exactly this, and I'm going to be honest with you: a lot of you are doing it wrong from the very first message.

We start with BIFF. Brief, informative, and what I call factual and firm. No emotions. No history lesson. Some of you are long-winded over-explainers, and you're handing a high-conflict person way too much to work with.
Then: everything in writing. No more driveway conversations. Use email or a parenting app, not texting, not WhatsApp, not Snapchat. I'll share two setups I love, including a separate email address used only for co-parenting and a cheap second phone one woman set up for about ten dollars a month, purely as a buffer.
Then clear subject lines and one subject per message. If you have five questions, that's five separate messages. Stop writing in paragraph form. Bullet points. Because your ex isn't reading a wall of text, and neither is the judge who ends up with those messages later.
Then the part that changes everything. Stop asking “what do you think.” You already know what a high-conflict person thinks about you. Give two options instead. Never three, they can't handle three. Then give a real deadline, an actual date and time, not “ASAP” or “whenever you get a chance.”
And then the magic: state exactly what happens if they don't respond. “If I don't hear from you by Thursday the 25th at noon, I'll take Jack to the appointment and you can pick him up after school like normal.” Now everybody knows what's happening. They can respond or not respond. Either way, life keeps moving.
I'm also covering the pushback you'll hear, “that's a unilateral decision,” and exactly why it isn't. Plus JADE, which is the habit most of you need to break: stop justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining.
Here's the part that matters most though. Every single thing in this episode is a workaround for a parenting plan that never should have left this open. A well-built plan already answers who takes the kids to non-emergency appointments, what the response window is, and what the communication method is. The best fix isn't a better message. It's not having to send it.

👉 Let my team build the long-distance plan for you

Here's What You Can Actually Take Away:

Ghosting Is a Strategy, Not an Oversight - Silence keeps you frozen and keeps them in control. Treat it as the pattern it is.

Use BIFF Every Time - Brief, informative, factual, firm. No emotion, no history lesson, no oversharing.

Everything Goes In Writing - Email or a parenting app. Driveway conversations and texting don't document.

One Subject Per Message - Five questions means five messages. Searchable subject lines and bullet points, never paragraphs.

Give Options, Not Open Questions - “What do you think” gets you nothing. Option one, option two. Never three.

Set a Real Deadline - A date and a time. Not ASAP, not soon, not whenever they get around to it.

State the Default - Say exactly what you'll do if they don't respond. This is the piece almost everyone leaves out.

Stop JADE-ing - Justifying, arguing, defending, and explaining all hand a high-conflict person more material.

The Real Fix Is In the Plan - Response windows, communication method, and who handles non-emergency appointments should already be written down.

The Truth Bombs

“The problem isn't what your ex said. It's that they read it and decided to sit on it.”
“Our kids are paying the price because another adult decided ignoring was an option.”
“Stop asking a high-conflict person what they think. You already know what they think about you.”
“If you have five questions, that's five messages. Not one email with five buried in it.”
“A deadline isn't controlling. Leaving you frozen with no answer is controlling.”
“It's not a unilateral decision when you asked, gave options, set a deadline, and stated the default.”
“Structure removes the opportunity for their chaos. That's exactly why they hate it.”
“A good parenting plan eliminates most of these conversations before you ever have to have them.”

The Formula
The whole episode in four lines:

Option A.
Option B.
Let me know by [date] at [time].
If I don't hear from you, I will [specific action].
Simple. Clear. Documented.

Resources Mentioned:

Parenting Plan Written For You — I'll write your plan. Built for your kids, your schedule, your high-conflict ex. Not a template. A plan that protects your time for the next 18 years.

BIFF method: brief, informative, factual, firm

JADE: stop justifying, arguing, defending, explaining

Have A Question?

Drop it in the comments or submit at samanthaboss.com/contact
This isn't legal advice. This is real talk from someone who's been there and helped thousands navigate high-conflict divorce.
Know better. Do better.
Follow Samantha Boss:

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We'd Love to Hear Your Stories!

Have a story or question you want addressed?
This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.

Early in a separation, almost every parent has the same reaction: I don't want my ex taking my kids out of state. That fear is normal. It's also the fear that gets parents to sign restrictions they spend the next decade regretting.
This week I'm answering the question directly, and then I'm flipping it. Because every limit you put on your ex lands right back on you.

Start with the only thing that actually matters: what does your plan say? Not what feels fair, not what your attorney assumed, what's written down. And if you're freshly separated with only a temporary order, check whether it addresses travel at all. Most of them don't. I worked with a woman whose son had taken the same trip to see family every year of his life. Eight years running. They separated, the temporary order said nothing about travel, and her ex said no. When she took it to the judge, he called her a flight risk and said he wasn't sure she'd come home. No proof. Just his fear, said out loud in a courtroom. She stayed home.
Then the mind shift. Aren't you going to want to take your kids out of state? Vacations, family, weddings, funerals, opportunities, a trip you didn't see coming. Parents get so focused on limiting the other parent that they accidentally limit themselves. Where you are right now is not where you'll always be. Your income changes. Your family moves. Don't build a restriction today that you'll be paying an attorney to undo in five years.
I'm also drawing the line I want you to think hardest about. You should never need permission to take your kids on vacation. You give notice. Destination, dates, emergency contact. That's it. I have read plenty of plans from high-priced attorneys that require parents to approve each other's vacations, and if mine had said that, I'd have never taken a single trip. The person who couldn't stand me was never going to sign off on me having fun with my kids.
And then the part I actually want your feedback on. Vacation and regular parenting time are not the same thing. If I want to duck across the state line for dinner on my own parenting time and come back the same day, I shouldn't have to report that. If I want to spend a weekend two states over during my scheduled time, my position is the same: I got deemed a fit parent, and so did they. I helped a dad in New York whose ex spent every one of her weekends at her partner's place in New Jersey. He wanted to know if she had to tell him. Nothing in the plan required it, so no. Vacation is when itineraries get shared. A weekend is not a vacation.
Last thing, and it's the hardest one. Your ex is not going to travel the way you would. Different choices, different rules, two households now. The real question is whether they've been deemed safe. If they have, they get to travel with that child unless you can prove otherwise.

Write the plan for the calm version of yourself five years from now. Not the one in the middle of a divorce right now.

👉 Let my team build the long-distance plan for you

Here's What You Can Actually Take Away:

Nothing Should Be Assumed - Your plan should say outright whether out-of-state travel is allowed. If it's silent, that's a loophole, not a permission slip.

Temporary Orders Are Usually Silent On Travel - Freshly separated parents get blindsided here. Check the temporary order before you book anything.

Every Restriction Boomerangs - Limit your ex's travel and you've limited your own. Vacations, family, weddings, funerals, opportunities you can't see yet.

Notice, Not Permission - Destination, dates, emergency contact. You're informing, not requesting approval.

Approval Clauses Are a Guaranteed No - Plenty of expensive attorneys write “parents must approve each other's vacations.” A high-conflict ex will never approve anything.

Vacation And Regular Parenting Time Are Different - Sam's position: no reporting requirement for crossing state lines on your own scheduled time. Itineraries belong to vacations only.

Two Fit Parents, Two Sets Of Rules - Your ex won't pack, drive, or supervise the way you do. Different household, different choices, same legal standing.

The Standard Is Proven Safety - If a parent has been deemed safe, they can travel with the child unless you can prove otherwise.

Write It Third-Grader Clear - A third grader should understand it. So should a police officer standing at your door.

The Truth Bombs

“Every restriction you put on your ex lands right back on you.”
“Parents get so focused on limiting the other parent that they forget they've limited themselves.”
“You're not asking permission. You're giving notice.”
“If my plan had required his approval, I'd have never been on a single vacation.”
““She's a flight risk.” No proof, just his fear, and she stayed home.”
“You're only allowed to do what's written into your parenting plan.”
“Write the plan for your future calm self, not the version of you in the middle of a divorce.”
“The more information you hand a high-conflict person, the more conflict you get back.”

Resources Mentioned:

Parenting Plan Written For You — I'll write your plan. Built for your kids, your schedule, your high-conflict ex. Not a template. A plan that protects your time for the next 18 years.

Episode 42: Vacation Clauses That Prevent Summer Custody Fights

Have A Question?

Drop it in the comments or submit at samanthaboss.com/contact
This isn't legal advice. This is real talk from someone who's been there and helped thousands navigate high-conflict divorce.
Know better. Do better.
Follow Samantha Boss:

Website

Facebook

Instagram

TikTok

LinkedIn

YouTube

We'd Love to Hear Your Stories!
Have a story or question you want addressed?
This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.

Your parenting plan was written assuming you'd both stay put. Life doesn't care what you assumed. A dating app match, a cheaper cost of living, a job offer three states away, and suddenly the plan built for two local parents doesn't fit the family it's supposed to protect.
This week I'm walking through what actually needs to be in your parenting plan before someone relocates, not after.
Start with the distance rule. Most plans use something like 30 miles or 30 minutes. Move inside that line, and the whole plan stays exactly the same: same visitation, same holidays, same everything. Move past it, and the plan should trigger a rebuild, not a scramble. Your plan should also answer whether the parent can move out of state at all, what notice they owe you, whether court approval is required, and whether the move triggers an automatic review.
Then comes the real question: is this an adjusted schedule, or a full long-distance parenting plan? If pickups, school drop-off, and weekday dinners aren't realistic anymore, you're building a completely different structure, one built on big chunks of time instead of weekly visits. Spring break, summer, fall break, winter break, these start shifting to the parent who moved, while the local parent keeps school-year stability.
I'm also covering the thing most attorneys forget: a long-distance parent should still be able to fly in and watch a game, a recital, a school function, without it eating into their actual parenting time. And holidays need a full rework, because a long-distance parent is going to miss the ones tied to a single day, Mother's Day, Father's Day, Halloween, and gain more of the ones tied to a longer break, Thanksgiving, Christmas, summer.
We're also getting into who makes the day-to-day decisions now, how child support recalculates when the schedule changes, who pays for travel and what happens when a flight gets canceled, how teenagers change the long-distance equation, what happens when a kid gets sick right before a trip, and what a reasonable communication schedule actually looks like when “we'll figure it out” isn't good enough anymore.
The goal isn't to force the old plan to work. It's to build one that matches the life you actually have now.

👉 Let my team build the long-distance plan for you

Here's What You Can Actually Take Away:

“We'll Never Move” Is Not a Plan - Dating apps, job offers, and cost of living all change addresses. Your parenting plan needs a relocation clause whether you believe you'll use it or not.

Set A Distance Line Now - A mileage or minute radius (30/30 is common) tells you exactly when the plan stays the same and when it has to change.

Decide: Adjusted Schedule Or Full Rebuild - If school pickup and weekday visits aren't realistic anymore, you're not tweaking the plan, you're building a long-distance one.

Write In The Right To Show Up - A long-distance parent should be able to fly in for a game or a recital without it counting as their scheduled parenting time.

Holidays Get Reallocated, Not Just Shared - The long-distance parent tends to lose single-day holidays and gain bigger chunks like Thanksgiving, Christmas, and summer.

Decision-Making May Need To Shift - Day-to-day school and health calls often move to the local parent, while major decisions stay joint.

Child Support And Travel Costs Change Too - A new schedule means new numbers, and travel expenses (who books, who pays, what happens with cancellations) need to be spelled out, not assumed.

Put It In Writing, Not On Goodwill - The plan should force compliance because it's paperwork, not because everyone's still getting along.

The Truth Bombs

“Life gets to life-ing. Plan for it before it happens to you.”
“31 miles and 1 mile can both change your entire parenting plan. The number just has to be written down.”
“A parent should be able to fly in and watch their kid's game without it counting as parenting time.”
“The goal isn't to force the old plan to work. It's to build one that matches reality.”
“Do it because the parenting plan says so, not because you're still friends.”
“This isn't about favoritism when a teenager doesn't want a whole summer away. It's about a life they're allowed to have too.”

Resources Mentioned:

Parenting Plan Written For You — I'll write your plan. Built for your kids, your schedule, your high-conflict ex. Not a template. A plan that protects your time for the next 18 years.

Episode 41: Why the Priority List in Your Parenting Plan Matters More Than You Think

Episode 42: Vacation Clauses That Prevent Summer Custody Fights

Have A Question?

Drop it in the comments or submit at samanthaboss.com/contact
This isn't legal advice. This is real talk from someone who's been there and helped thousands navigate high-conflict divorce.
Know better. Do better.
Follow Samantha Boss:

Website

Facebook

Instagram

TikTok

LinkedIn

YouTube

We'd Love to Hear Your Stories!

Have a story or question you want addressed?
This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.

Summer's coming, and if your parenting plan has a vague vacation clause, the same fights you had last year are already loading. Who asks first. How long you can be gone. Whether your ex gets “makeup time.” Whether you owe them an itinerary down to the restaurant. None of it should be a fight, and all of it becomes one when the plan doesn't spell it out.
This week I'm walking through the six vacation fights I see over and over, and the exact clauses that shut each one down before it starts.
First, the question nobody asks: does vacation even have to be during summer? I don't think so. Summer-only is predictable, but it's also peak pricing and packed destinations. Year-round vacation language gives you flexibility, cheaper travel, and room for the life you're building, not the one you're surviving right now. Stop living small inside your parenting plan. Ask for the vacation time your future self will want, not what this year's budget says you can use.
Then the fights. “I asked first” is not a clause. I'll show you why notice-based language, 30 or 60 days, beats first-come-first-served and April 1st deadlines. How long can you be gone? That's a custom build, because three consecutive weeks is ridiculous to your coworker Stacy and completely necessary if your family lives across an ocean. Can vacation get tacked onto existing parenting time? It can if your plan doesn't say otherwise, and that's how your ex turns seven vacation days into three weekends in a row. Do you owe time back? No. Vacations supersede visitation, and time lost is not regained. Makeup time just gets muddy, and high-conflict people will stack it into a second vacation they never had to call one.
And the two information fights: not enough, and too much. I saw a plan recently that required a parent to ask permission and wait 10 days for their ex to approve a vacation. Gross. Your plan should be written so well that you're informing, not asking. Destination, dates, emergency contact, flight info. That's it. And on the flip side, if your ex wants the full itinerary, every restaurant, every activity, daily phone calls? No. Safety information matters. Control does not.

If your vacation clause is one vague sentence, this is the episode to fix it before June does it for you.
👉 Start with the Parenting Plan Written For You here

Here's What You Can Actually Take Away:

Vacation Doesn't Have To Mean Summer - Year-round vacation language is cheaper, more flexible, and built for the life you're growing into, not just this year's budget.

Plan For The Grander Life - Ask for more vacation time than you think you need right now. It's easier to have it and not use it than to wish you'd asked.

“I Asked First” Is Not a Clause - Notice-based language (30 or 60 days) beats first-come-first-served, because nobody knows in April what August looks like.

Vacation Length Is a Custom Build - How many vacations, how many weeks, consecutive or not. Your family's situation decides, not someone else's judgment.

Watch The Tack-On Move - Without clear start-date language, seven vacation days plus surrounding weekends becomes three weekends in a row for your ex.

No Makeup Time - Vacations supersede visitation, and time lost is not regained. Makeup time gets muddy, and high-conflict people stack it into a bonus vacation.

Inform. Don't Ask. - You should never need your ex's permission to take your kids on vacation. Destination, dates, emergency contact, flight info. Done.

Safety Information Matters. Control Does Not. - Your ex isn't entitled to your itinerary, your restaurant choices, or daily check-in calls.

The Truth Bombs

“Stop living small inside your parenting plan. Plan for the grander life.”

““I asked first” is a playground rule, not a vacation clause.”

“Your ex just turned seven vacation days into three weekends in a row. Because your plan let them.”

“Vacations supersede visitation. Time lost is not regained. Write it down.”

“You're informing your ex about your vacation. You're not asking permission.”

“Safety information matters. Control does not.”

“Most vacation fights aren't about the vacation. They're about a plan with more assumptions than sentences.”

Resources Mentioned:

Parenting Plan Written For You — I'll write your plan. Built for your kids, your schedule, your high-conflict ex. Not a template. A plan that protects your time for the next 18 years.

The Parenting Plan Masterclass — Learn what strong parenting plans actually look like before you sign anything. I'll walk you through decision making, parenting time, holidays, communication boundaries, and how to prepare for mediation so you know exactly what to ask for and what garbage language to avoid.

Episode 41: Why the Priority List in Your Parenting Plan Matters More Than You Think

Have A Question?

Drop it in the comments or submit at samanthaboss.com/contact
This isn't legal advice. This is real talk from someone who's been there and helped thousands navigate high-conflict divorce.
Know better. Do better.
Follow Samantha Boss:

Website

Facebook

Instagram

TikTok

LinkedIn

YouTube

We'd Love to Hear Your Stories!

Have a story or question you want addressed?
This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.

Larry handed you a parenting plan with a list of holidays, a list of breaks, and a line about vacations, and called it finished. He never told you which one wins when two of them land on the same day. And your high-conflict ex found that gap before the ink was even dry.
This week I'm breaking down the one paragraph missing from almost every parenting plan on earth: the order of priority. Because a list of holidays, breaks, and vacations with no hierarchy isn't a plan. It's an invitation for a high-conflict parent to clean house and take from you every single time.

Here's the order that actually protects you. Holidays come first. Nothing overlaps a holiday. Not a vacation, not a visitation day, nothing. School breaks come second. Your spring break, fall break, and winter break override the regular visitation schedule, so no one gets to plan a vacation over your break. Vacations come third. A vacation supersedes visitation, but it does not touch a holiday or a break. And visitation, your regular day-to-day schedule, comes last. It's the first thing that gets overridden and the last thing that gets protection.
I'm also giving you the one sentence that has to sit underneath that whole list, or none of it matters: time lost will not be regained. Because I promise you, your high-conflict ex is going to lose two days to your vacation or your holiday and immediately demand those two days back. Without that sentence in writing, you are back in the same argument every single time.

I'm also getting into why this isn't already standard. Spoiler: it's a lot of 1984 templates and a lot of attorneys assuming you and your ex will just figure it out. You won't. Not with this person. And I'm walking through exactly how a high-conflict parent takes something casual, like “I'm just gonna extend the vacation a little,” and turns it into a pattern you'll be fighting for years if nobody puts a stop to it in writing.
If your ex has ever tried to take your holiday because they already booked the flights, this is the episode.
And when you're done listening, go pull out your parenting plan and look for this exact language. If it's not in there, let my team build it for you.

👉 Start with the Parenting Plan Written For You here

Here's What You Can Actually Take Away:

Your Parenting Plan Needs An Order of Priority - A list of holidays, breaks, and vacations means nothing if nothing says which one wins.

Holidays Come First, Period - Nothing overlaps a holiday. Not a vacation. Not a regular visitation day.

School Breaks Override Visitation - Spring break, fall break, winter break, and summer break all outrank the regular schedule.

Vacations Rank Third, Not First - A vacation beats visitation. It does not beat a holiday or a break.

Visitation Is The Lowest Priority - It's the schedule that gets overridden by everything above it, and that's by design.

“Time Lost Will Not Be Regained” Has To Be In Writing - Without this sentence, every lost day turns into a demand for a make-up day.

Attorneys Skip This Because Templates Are Old - A lot of parenting plans are still running on language from decades ago that never accounted for high conflict.

High-Conflict People Start Casual and Escalate - “I'm just extending the vacation” becomes a pattern the second nobody puts a stop to it in writing.

The Truth Bombs

“A vague parenting plan is not flexible. It's a future fight waiting for a calendar invite.”

“High-conflict people think they're the biggest priority in the room. They're not. There's an order, and it's not them.”

“Time lost will not be regained. Write it down before you need it.”

“Your attorney's template has been running since 1984. Your ex is not running on 1984 behavior.”

“A vacation does not outrank a holiday. Full stop.”

“High conflict people don't want fairness. They want control, and gray area is how they get it.”

Resources Mentioned:

Parenting Plan Written For You — I'll write your plan. Built for your kids, your schedule, your high-conflict ex. Not a template. A plan that protects your time for the next 18 years.

The Parenting Plan Masterclass — Learn what strong parenting plans actually look like before you sign anything. I'll walk you through decision making, parenting time, holidays, communication boundaries, and how to prepare for mediation so you know exactly what to ask for and what garbage language to avoid.

Have A Question?

Drop it in the comments or submit at samanthaboss.com/contact
This isn't legal advice. This is real talk from someone who's been there and helped thousands navigate high-conflict divorce.
Know better. Do better.
Follow Samantha Boss:

Website

Facebook

Instagram

TikTok

LinkedIn

YouTube

We'd Love to Hear Your Stories!

Have a story or question you want addressed?
This podcast exists because way too many parents are slogging through divorce quietly and thinking they are the only ones dealing with this mess. You can share your story, ask real questions, or send in topics you want broken down without the fluff. Stories can be shared anonymously, and no, this is not legal advice, but honest conversations are where clarity actually starts.