The Ugly Truth of Divorce

If you are the most put-together person in your friend group, I need you to understand that is not a compliment, that is a warning.
Let me ask you something and I need you to sit with it for a second. The people you are calling when everything blows up, are they actually helping you get through this, or are they just really entertaining to gossip with?
Because I have been there. I had a whole circle. And every single one of them was either a yes man, a pot stirrer, or a straight up mole feeding information back to my ex. And I did not figure that out until the damage was already done in court.
This episode is the one I wish somebody had handed me on day one of my divorce. We are talking about the hard audit. The one where you get honest about who is actually in your corner and who is just there for the show. Because not everyone who picks up the phone when you call is your person. Some of them are picking up because they are nosy. Some of them are picking up because your drama makes them feel better about their own life. And some of them are picking up and then turning around and telling your ex everything you just said.
I also tried the other extreme. I pulled everybody out and went completely solo. Isolated. Just me, my kids, and my chaos. And I am telling you right now that was one of the most dangerous things I ever did to myself. Isolation is not strength. It is just suffering with better branding.
The truth is you need people. Real ones. The kind who show up at your door before a court date with snacks and water and pictures of your kids and a whole plan for after. Not the kind who text you screenshots of what your ex posted on Instagram at 11pm. Those people are not your support system. They are your trigger system.
And if right now you are sitting there saying you have nobody, I hear you and I am not letting you use that as an excuse. I am building new friendships at 47 in a Pilates class. You can find your people. You just have to stop hiding and start showing up somewhere.
This is the episode where we start assembling your Avengers. And yes, I mean that literally. You need a strategic, hand-picked, drama-free crew that helps you function on your absolute worst days. Because those days are coming. And you do not want to be alone when they do.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

Audit Your Circle: If the people around you are keeping you triggered and stuck instead of regulated and moving forward, it is time for a hard edit.

Isolation Is Not Strength: Going it completely alone during divorce is not brave, it is dangerous, and it is not something I would ever recommend based on my own experience.

Yes Men Are Not Your Friends: Someone who just cosigns your rage feels good in the moment, but they are keeping you anchored to the past instead of helping you build what is next.

The Friend Breakup Is Real: Editing people out of your life during this season is not failure, it is protection, and how they respond to your boundary tells you everything.

You Can Build New Friendships at Any Age: I am making real connections in Pilates at 47, so the excuse that it is too late or too hard does not hold up.

Be Strategic, Not Just Grateful: Not everyone who shows up for you is the right fit for this season, and you need people who can actually hold your energy, not drain what is left of it.

Find Your Avengers: You need a crew who shows up practically, protects your energy, and helps you function on your worst days, and that crew is out there waiting to be assembled.

The Truth Bombs

"If you are the best person in the five people you are hanging around with, you are in the wrong group."

"How is it working for you, pushing everybody away and trying to act like the badass you so badly want to be? Aren't you tired?"

"You keep putting negativity out there into the universe, that is the kind of energy that keeps coming back at you."

"Is she here for me or is she here to hear from me? There is a difference."

"The ones who get angry when you set a boundary were never your friend to begin with."

"I changed. Nothing about him changed. I changed. And it started with who I was around."

"You need the friend who packs you a go-box with water, snacks, and pictures of your kids before court. Not the one who asks what he was wearing."

"A friend edit is needed. I know it feels like another breakup. But your circle becoming smaller during divorce is not a loss. It is a filter."

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If your parenting plan has vague language in it, your attorney just handed your high-conflict ex a loaded gun and charged you for the bullets.
Vague is not the same as covered. Anything that can be interpreted WILL be interpreted in whatever way screws you over the most that day. In Episode 16, I'm calling out the catch-all clauses attorneys love to bury in parenting plans that sound great in a conference room and blow up completely in real life. The language that makes you feel protected when you sign it and makes your ex's eyes light up the moment they realize how much room they have to work with.
Here's what pisses me off about this: two people who couldn't agree on anything during the marriage, blew through mediation, and spent days in court with a room full of witnesses and professionals. Someone looked at that situation, saw exactly who these two people were, and still handed them a legal document that only functions if they cooperate. That's not a plan. That's a setup. And every single time it breaks down, you're back on the phone with your attorney trying to get someone to explain what your own document means. Every call costs money. Every argument that could have been avoided with one specific sentence in your plan is now an invoice.
The people writing these plans know what they're doing. Whether it's intentional or just lazy, the result is the same: you stay stuck, you stay in conflict, and you keep paying.
I had this exact plan. I lived this exact nightmare. I was the person who kept thinking if I just tried harder, showed up better, stayed more reasonable, eventually my ex would meet me there. They didn't. And the plan we had gave both of us endless room to keep the fight going for years. The only people who came out ahead were the ones billing by the hour.
Get specific. Lock in the decisions now. All of them. Because a plan full of wiggle room is just handing your ex a weapon and calling it a custody agreement. Your kids deserve better than that. And honestly, so do you.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

Vague Language Is a Weapon: In a high-conflict co-parenting situation, any clause that can be interpreted multiple ways will be interpreted in whatever way benefits your ex that day.

Feel-Good Plans Don't Survive First Contact With a High-Conflict Ex: A parenting plan that reads beautifully and falls apart in practice is not a good plan. It's a liability.

Specificity Is the Only Real Protection: The more decisions your plan makes upfront, the less you have to fight about later. Dates, times, names, processes, all of it should be written down.

Going Back to Your Attorney to Define Your Own Plan Is a Failure of the Plan: Paying someone to explain what your legal document means means the document didn't do its job.

High-Conflict People Will Not Rise to the Occasion: Stop designing your plan around the hope that your ex will eventually do the right thing. Design it around the reality of who they actually are.

You Deserved a Plan That Actually Works: Not one that made your attorney feel good about wrapping things up and left you holding the mess.

The Truth Bombs

"A parenting plan that sounds good on paper and falls apart in real life isn't a plan. It's a setup."

"Two people who couldn't agree on anything during a marriage, during mediation, or in eight days of court are not going to magically agree on what a vague clause means. Stop writing plans that require them to."

"Every time I had to call my attorney to figure out what my own parenting plan meant, that plan failed me. Full stop."

"Your ex will find every single inch of wiggle room in that document and drive a truck through it. That's not a prediction. That's a pattern."

"The goal of your parenting plan should be to make as many decisions as possible right now so you never have to make them again with someone who hates you."

"I kept trying harder, showing up better, being more reasonable. They didn't change. The plan just gave us more to fight about."

"Attorneys put language in parenting plans that makes clients feel taken care of. That's not always the same thing as actually being taken care of."

"Your kids don't need a plan that sounds good in a courtroom. They need a plan that actually works on a Tuesday night when nobody's watching."

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Before you pack a single box, you need to read your relocation clause.
Let me tell you what nobody tells you when you're sitting in that mediator's office, sleep deprived, emotionally destroyed, and just trying to get through it: you might be signing away your right to move. Not across the country. Across town. Into a cheaper place. Into a better school district. Into a house with someone who actually loves you. Your parenting plan can block all of it and nobody is going to stop you and say hey, read this part more carefully.
You're going to find out when you're already packed.
I've seen it happen over and over. A parent wants to move. Reasonable request. Normal life stuff. And then they actually read their parenting plan and realize they need their ex's permission. And if you've spent five minutes co-parenting with a high-conflict person you already know that permission is never coming. It doesn't matter how reasonable the request is. It doesn't matter if you're moving two miles away. The answer is no. It's always no. So congratulations, your ex now controls your zip code.
That's what a badly written relocation clause does. And most of them are badly written.
In this episode I get into all of it. Why picking one parent's house as the center point of a relocation radius is not a logistics decision, it's a control decision. Why I'd use a post office or a fixed landmark instead, something neutral that doesn't hand either parent a quiet advantage. How to pick a distance that actually holds up in real life, not in the best case scenario version of co-parenting where everyone is reasonable and nothing is hard. Because that version doesn't exist and you need to stop planning for it.
I also want to talk about the parents who swear up and down they are never moving. I hear you. And I've also watched rent double. I've watched relationships end and new ones start. I've watched parents get the call that their mom or dad is sick and they need to go home. I've watched people realize that the city their marriage fell apart in is not the city they want to raise their kids in. Life does not stay still just because your parenting plan does.
You are not always going to be in this spot. You are not always going to be broke. You are not always going to be alone. You are not always going to be in survival mode. You're going to want to move eventually. And when that day comes, you need a parenting plan that lets you.
Build it right now while you still can. Because fixing it later is going to cost you.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

I'm not staying in this spot forever — My parenting plan needs to be built for the life I'm going to live, not just the one I'm surviving right now.

Neutral center point only — I'd pick a post office or a landmark, never one parent's house, because the center point sets the power dynamic for everything else.

Define the radius clearly — Both parents should be able to move freely within the agreed distance as many times as they want without asking for permission.

Base the distance on real life — Late nights, school pickups, basketball practice. The distance only works if it works on the hard days.

Airtight language protects me — With a high-conflict ex, every vague sentence in my parenting plan is an opening for a fight.

Relocation during the divorce, not after — Building flexibility in upfront is a fraction of the cost and stress of fighting for it later.

The Truth Bombs

"I don't want to be landlocked because of my parenting plan. And a lot of yours are landlocking you and you don't even know it until you try to move."

"I would never pick one parent's house as the starting center point of that radius. I want no part of that."

"Picture your kid at 9pm after a game, starving, still has homework, hasn't showered. How far do you want that drive home to be? That's your number."

"You won't be in the same spot forever. I know that feels unrealistic right now. But you are going to move on to bigger, greater, better things. Your parenting plan better know that."

"The relocation section of your parenting plan is not just about moving across the country. It is about every single address change you ever want to make."

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Fair warning: I'm already heated and we haven't even started. This is the episode where I drag every attorney who thinks "parties will share holidays" is an acceptable sentence in a legal document.
You know what pisses me off? Holidays are SIMPLE. Christmas is December 25th every single year. It's not a mystery. It's not complicated. Yet I'm scrolling through my groups at midnight seeing parents post screenshots like "Help - I have no idea when I'm supposed to get my kids for Thanksgiving" and I want to scream.
After a decade of reading absolute garbage parenting plans, I'm convinced there's a secret attorney meeting where they plot how to screw you over during the most emotionally charged time of year. "Let's make it vague! Let's leave out the times! Let's make them call us when it's the holidays and they're already feeling like shit!"
Well, I'm done watching good parents get played.
In this episode, you're getting the blueprint for a holiday schedule that actually protects you: 
✓ List your damn holidays (all of them) 
✓ Put the start and end times (non-negotiable) 
✓ Add the superseding clause that saves you thousands 
✓ Skip the birthdays (controversial, I know - listen to find out why)
This isn't about being nice to your ex. This isn't about "working it out." This is about having a parenting plan so clear that even your delusional high-conflict ex can't twist it. Because you deserve to know when you have your kids without needing a law degree and a flow chart.
Stop paying attorneys to interpret basic pickup times. Stop letting guilt and shame ruin your holidays. And stop settling for confusing bullshit when the solution is literally just a simple table.
You just got certified in holiday schedules. You're welcome.
Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

List Every Single Holiday - Don't settle for "parties will share holidays" - I need you to demand a complete list of specific federal holidays in your parenting plan.

Start Times and End Times Are Non-Negotiable - Every holiday must include exactly when it starts and when it ends, or you'll fight about it every single year. I've seen it happen too many times.

Include the Superseding Language - Your parenting plan MUST state that holidays supersede regular visitation and there's no makeup time, or your high-conflict ex will demand payback for every "lost" day.

Birthdays Cause Chaos - I recommend letting birthdays fall naturally in the regular schedule instead of creating extra interruptions that high-conflict exes weaponize.

Vague Plans Benefit Attorneys, Not Parents - Confusing holiday language isn't an accident - it keeps you calling (and paying) your attorney to interpret basic custody exchanges. I really think they do this on purpose.

Celebrate Before the Actual Day - My pro tip: Always celebrate holidays and birthdays BEFORE the actual date to avoid last-minute drama with your ex.

High-Conflict Parents Don't Plan Ahead - They're moment-by-moment people who lose their minds when you remind them about holiday schedule changes, so crystal-clear planning protects you. I know these people.

The Truth Bombs

"Christmas comes around the same day every year. This is not rocket science, but attorneys screw you over by leaving this section interpretive and gray in the hopes that you two will work it out."

"Don't say I didn't warn you - I've read thousands of parenting plans whose holiday schedules are written like old school riddles, and you're trying to solve the riddle just to figure out when you have your kids."

"I'm a simple person. Tell me when I have them and tell me when I don't. Tell me when it starts, tell me when it ends. That's it. Just tell me when I have my kids."

"High-conflict people will think that because they were 'robbed' of a Tuesday for 4th of July, they can go take your Thursday. You have to make sure the wording says holidays supersede visitation and you don't get that time back."

"If your parenting plan just says 'parties will share holidays' - don't sign that bullshit. What does 'share' mean? Share means we do it together? No, share means we split the day? This is a tangled web."

"You're divorced. You're gonna miss birthdays. And when we've got three kids, that's three interruptions for three birthdays. I'm not gonna mark it on the calendar: act like an asshole today."

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Tired of being your ex's unpaid personal assistant? Sick of the "you didn't tell me" games when you KNOW they got the same damn email?
This is about the Access to Records clause—the paragraph most people don't know they need until it's too late.
Just because your custody agreement says "joint parenting" doesn't mean shit when your ex is playing information gatekeeper. Won't tell you what team your kid is on. Puts their NEW SPOUSE down on school forms instead of you. Conveniently "forgets" to add your email.
This is control. This is manipulation. This is why you need this clause.
In this episode:

Why your ex refuses to list your info (it's control, not forgetfulness)

How to stop being their secretary

What to do when they leave you off forms

The one question that saves your sanity

Here's the truth: If it's online, they can find it themselves.
You're NOT their secretary. You're NOT required to send screenshots five times. And you're NOT a bad co-parent because you won't do their work.
Stop asking someone who hates you to do you favors. Take your parenting plan to the school yourself and get added. Go to the doctor's office. Check the portal. Do the work.
When they accuse you of being a bad co-parent, ask yourself: "Is that true?"
No. Because you put their number down. You sent the link. Their laziness is not your emergency.
Bottom line: This clause stops you from being their secretary while ensuring equal access. Without it? Years of fighting over basic information.
Stop doing their work for them. Now go set some boundaries.

Here’s What You Can Actually Take Away:

Stop Being Their Secretary - You're not obligated to constantly update your ex on information they can access themselves online.

Both Parents Must Be Listed - A proper access to records clause requires each parent to list the other's contact information when registering children for anything.

Digital Access Equals Equal Responsibility - If information is available online, both parents are responsible for accessing it themselves.

Don't Ask Your Ex to Fix Their Own Sabotage - If they left you off school registration, go directly to the school with your parenting plan rather than begging your ex to add you.

The "Is That True?" Test - When accused of being a bad co-parent, simply ask yourself if the accusation is factually true—usually it's not.

High Conflict Parents Use Information as Control - Withholding schedules, team names, or doctor information is a manipulation tactic, not forgetfulness.

Your Parenting Plan Needs This Clause - Without specific language about access to records, you'll spend years fighting over basic information sharing.

The Truth Bombs

"If it's on the internet, your ass is responsible for finding it. We even take it a step further—if your child has a relationship with another adult, you're responsible for knowing who that adult is yourself."

"Don't expect somebody that hates you to include you. That doesn't make sense, does it?"

"When your ex accuses you of being a bad co-parent, simply ask yourself: Is that true? No it's not. Because here I am giving you the link I gave three weeks ago. You're just lazy. I'm not a bad co-parent because you are lazy."

"I don't have time to lead you to water. We have to be careful about overextending ourselves into taking care of the other household."

"When you go to a high conflict person to fix their own doing, you might as well hold your breath—death will come upon you faster."

"You're walking around with a literal computer in your hand 24/7. The least you can do is use it to look up information instead of texting me."

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